• I gained 25 pounds in the month leading up to visiting my parents’ house. This is no small feat, and was accomplished almost entirely by eating for comfort rather than eating for nutrition.
• I bring this up because in the lead-up to taking my license exam on Monday, it’s become really important for me to nourish my body correctly. I know it’s my brain that will be doing most of the work, but I worry about the impact of a carb crash, lethargy from not sleeping well, or fatigue from having to sit in one place for too long. I can’t afford a chocolate migraine on the day of the exam. I can’t afford to have an upset stomach or a burrito coma.
• What I’m trying to say is that it would be awesome to be able to have this kind of focus and drive for every day of my life. I am a pretty amazing person. I do incredible and important work that I love. I am a good, honest woman and I take extreme care with my relationships. Really, my day-to-day life is important and impactful. Wouldn’t it be great it I worked this hard to show up for it every single day?
• So, sue me. I’ve been watching that new show, More to Love. The thing is that it’s not that much more ridiculous than other dating shows, except for the mindset of the players. I remember feeling the way some of those girls do. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh or callous, but once you’re on the other side of it (not blaming your weight for every single thing that has gone wrong in your life), it really seems sort of pathetic and silly. The fact is, there are skinny girls who have never gone on dates or had a boyfriend or been “treated right” in relationships. There are plenty of single skinny women, divorced skinny women, kind skinny women, and bitchy skinny women. Really, my weight is just one of the things in my life that I have control over.
• PS: I date a lot. I date a lot. I went on a date last night. I was dating a guy for a while that I really liked and will probably date again. I have really outstanding relationships with people who are still my friends, and I go out with some duds. Really, lots of men are more interested in what I have to say or what I do with my life than what size my jeans are. I am saying this, people, and I live in Los Angeles — national capitol of plastic surgery and eating disorders. Where all the models and actresses live. I have a very satisfying love life, lots of sex, and genuine hope of finding a permanent partnership. All of this, and I weigh 300 pounds. Suck it.
]]> http://www.latebloomerlog.com/2009/08/06/oh-bullets/feed/ 9 http://www.latebloomerlog.com/2009/08/05/little-check-in/ http://www.latebloomerlog.com/2009/08/05/little-check-in/#comments Wed, 05 Aug 2009 23:47:13 +0000 mal http://www.latebloomerlog.com/?p=393 I’ve been having website issues, and am studying for my state license exams, but there is news to report.

I lost 8.4 pounds last week.

Before you get too excited, this is what always happens to me the first week that I commit to cut out the crap, make my own lunch and dinner, and keep reasonable sleep schedule. The good news is that this is progress in the right direction. I’m hopeful (and currently feel) that I will be able to maintain some sort of healthier pace for a while. I’m not looking for perfection, just improvements. Bringing bag lunch and not getting takeout for dinner are two very important steps in the right direction.

Go me.

]]> http://www.latebloomerlog.com/2009/08/05/little-check-in/feed/ 3 http://www.latebloomerlog.com/2009/07/10/bullets-it-is/ http://www.latebloomerlog.com/2009/07/10/bullets-it-is/#comments Fri, 10 Jul 2009 21:57:35 +0000 mal http://www.latebloomerlog.com/?p=389
• I’m remembering how much forethought, planning, and preparation goes into eating healthy. It really does take a lot of time to make sure you’ve got good food at home, that you pack your lunch for tomorrow, and that you are constantly aware of what is in the refrigerator and what can be cooked and eaten at any given moment. It takes a lot of work. And a LOT of dishes.
• Here is a snippet of the email from my WW leader: “Oh wow – how weird is this!! I tried to find you in the computer the other day cause I was thinking about you strongly. We must have been connected in minds. And of course I remember you. I can picture you as I write this sittiing to my right writing notes. I wasn’t there this weekend but I will be there Saturday. Do come back. Lots of love.” You know, I really shopped around for a good WW leader and I feel so lucky to have found her.
• Yesterday on the subway, I saw a man and a woman who were larger than I am — painfully large. The woman’s stomach rested on her lap and reached almost to her knees. They looked so uncomfortable. They didn’t interact with each other. At first, I felt sorry for them. I felt I could relate to them. Somewhere in the middle of their train ride, one of them pulled out a tube of Pringles and started eating it. Then I had a mixed reaction — first an annoyance, because food is not allowed on the subway. I thought, “Surely you can wait until you get off the train…?” Then I felt badly for them — I felt that people were watching them and judging them already, and they made it worse by eating junk food in front of everyone. It reminded me that I am a secretive eater. I am hyper-aware of what others think about me when I eat. I wanted to yell at them — to save them from what I figured were the thoughts of those around them. Maybe they were only my thoughts that were unkind? It was a very complicated train ride for me.

A list of things I thought about eating last night, but didn’t:

• 3 Burritos from the local taco stand
• A chocolate milkshake from In-n-Out
• A loaf of banana bread from the diner across the street.
• Chocolate ice cream concoction from Cold Stone Creamery. (I actually only buy this because I love the chocolate-dipped waffle bowl. I am sick.)

Instead, I studied for my licensure exam and had a bowl of berries with milk. I am considering this a victory.

• Going home triggers my binges. This is a simple, somewhat-obvious thing to say, but it bears saying. One of the traditions at my house is to not talk about things — not even big, serious, or scary things — and I think I have used food over the years to “swallow” my words down.

• I may not go home for Christmas. Still deciding on that one.

• Sugar/refined carbs make me feel better for about an hour, then quickly sap me of energy. I have a high-stress life and I need my energy. I owe it to my patients to be the best therapist that I can. I am hoping to make better choices ahead of time in order to maintain my energy throughout the day.

• My WW leader emailed me back this morning and was so enthusiastic and so caring that it almost brought tears to my eyes.

• I went to dinner with a friend last night. He wanted to know how my trip home had been, and I told him. It stressed me out so much that I went and got chocolate ice cream on the way home. I’m really getting tired of using sweets as a mechanism for feeling better. I hope I can stop doing that.

The end, for today.

I think the general attitude was that because I was still weighing in every week, I was doing fine. Sure, I’d have a “good week” and then a “bad week” and then a “good week”… but, still. Overall, I was on track. After all — Kaizen, right?

Then last week I caught myself eating more than I normally would. Look, it wasn’t anywhere NEAR a binge. Just, sort of, an acknowledgement that I was eating without asking if I was hungry or not. It was a realization that I had been eating fewer vegetables, overall. A complicating of my food choices — steps away from the simplifying that I had adopted in recent months. I was very stressed by some developments at work, some circumstances with my family, and a complication of my love life. In the end, it grew to be just a little bit too much.

But, the fact is that I have been stalled out at the same basic weight ever since I found out I would have to undergo surgery. I thought I’d be able to recover from it fairly well, but then my surgery was complicated by a surgeon’s error and I ended up hospitalized for a couple of weeks.

During those weeks, I lost about 25 pounds, but expected to gain most of it back. I did. And I have been stuck ever since.

What’s ironic about this is that I think I know what is going on. I mean, for Pete’s sake, I’m a therapist who works in a hospital. Every day, I operate under the basic assumption that major illness, surgeries, and hospitalizations are potentially traumatic. And yet, I have not been able to process the emotional impact of these medical mishaps in my own life.

When I went under anesthesia for a follow-up procedure on New Year’s Eve, I was forced to realized how much all of this has impacted me, psychologically. As I was beginning to rouse from the anesthesia, the nurses had to hold me down a little bit and insist that I calm down. I wasn’t upset, per se. But, I was trying to speak too early — around the oxygen tubes and happy gas — and the result was a lot of straining and writhing and upset. I couldn’t help it — as soon as I was even remotely conscious, I had to know. “Do I get to go home this time? Do I get to go home?”

“Well, not until you fully wake up and get dressed, lady. CALM DOWN!” they insisted.

I didn’t want to go home right that minute. I just needed reassurance that all had gone as planned and I was going to get to go home at all. The anxiety leading up to this second procedure was unbelievably intense. For the first time, I had to entertain the idea that everything might not turn out fine. I mean, in general, I try to live my life on the assumption that all is well. All is good. Worry is needless.

Increased anxiety is only part of the traumatization that has occurred. And, yes. I’ve been able to maintain my weight loss so far, but I haven’t been able to progress.

I’m not really sure how to end this posting, except to say this: “Well, at least now it’s out there.” Good night.

• 1/10/09: 283.2
  
• 1/17/09: 278.0
  
• 1/24/09: 283.0

Up and down. No progress, no backslide.

Oy.

Simple mom introduced me to the concept of Kaizen, a Japanese term that hints at part of what I was describing yesterday — the value of slow, steady progress toward things. It is the cultural equivalent of baby steps — making changes so small that you scarcely notice them, until wham-o! You’re different.

NOTE: Most of us should understand this concept because, with very few exceptions, this is how we got overweight in the first place. I guess the idea here is just to channel the concept of Kaizen so that it works FOR us, not AGAINST us.

Anyway — I’m still on the hunt for that solitary word to describe the opposite of procrastination, but this is a good reminder that foreign languages are a good place to look.

I like the idea of setting an intention for the new year. I have already set my goals but I wanted to have something a bit more thematic. I wanted a short, simple word or a phrase to fall back on, when motivation and focus wane. (They will. They do.) I’ve been struggling, though, to settle on something. I love words and there are just so many to choose from! I also wanted it to be something that could apply both to my fitness efforts as well as to other areas of my life. (So, “exercise” wouldn’t work.)

I envy those who have set their intention with a single word — like “leap” or “focus” or “be.” Mine desired direction is just as simple as these concepts (if not more simple!) but I haven’t yet been able to boil it down to just one word. In essence, what I am hoping to inspire myself to do better this year is related to the mantra I posted for this week: Take that single step.

Although it is certainly the take-home message I have gleaned from my experience so far, I decided that “baby steps” was a bit too cliche and lame of a phrase to last me through the year. I am learning a lot about how little changes and tiny successes add up, and that seems to be the “baby steps” message.

No, I think what I need is more the motivation to get off my ass and take those baby steps more resolutely and more frequently. I have often been guilty of reading, procrastinating, researching, thinking, hesitating, pondering, writing, questioning, wondering, opining, planning, and in a million other ways avoiding the kinds of actions that will be required for me to achieve my 2009 goals. In general, I need to think less and do more. I need to not only do it, but do it now — in every life category across the board. The time for thinking has passed. Life is short and I’m tired of living so much in my head.

Not sure how to boil that down to just one word, but I’m not sure it matters. I just need to commit to taking those single steps. Like, now.