More arguments for the importance of exercise — not just weight loss.

What matters is how healthy you are — how fit — not your dress size and not your BMI.

Also, check out this article about discrimination in the medical field against women who are as little as 13 pounds overweight. Incredible.

I’m pleased to say that my body has largely regained its health and vigor.

I have decided not to pursue the law suit against the surgeon whose simple error caused such grief.

When I realized how difficult the recovery was, and how emotional, I decided to give myself 6 months to recover.

My goal during that time was to maintain my weight-loss achievements and just heal.

I released myself from the need to lose weight and instead just focused on getting my life back.

I’m pleased to say that in 6 months, I have managed to stay under the 289-pound mark.

I still no longer qualify for weight-loss surgery.

I am back to making art and writing in my journal and doing other things that are important for my mental health.

I am grateful to all of the people — near and far — who have expressed their care and concern for me during this time. In particular, I am grateful to Sarah J., Vickie, Janie, Laura, John, Barbara, and the others who reached out to me in care and concern (and kept reaching out, even when I couldn’t reach back). I’m truly moved.

I am not one to make grand, sweeping statements of intention, but I am pretty sure that I can say this: I am back.

Art is a microscope which the artist fixes on the secrets of his soul and shows to other people these secrets which are common to all. (Leo Tolstoy)

I stumbled on these two videos/animations today while cruising youtube. The creator is doing the thing to which I often aspire — speaking his truth without apology. We’re just lucky because the truth he explores is his own morbid obesity. There is so much in these pieces which speaks to me.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaXHRlX9a1E[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT2hSSf_ayI[/youtube]

Learn more about the artist here and here.

I was appalled to learn (and, I’m sure, so was he) that his original starting weight was not 376 (as depicted in the video) but actually closer to 400 pounds due to a faulty scale. Poor guy! That’s enough to derail any train.

I love how the second video ends with a version of Bolero — that famous 15-minute yawner which does nothing but repeat the same 6 measures over and over and over again. It feels like weight loss — like Groundhog Day — like purposely finding a rut and staying there.

I could relate with:

I masked those feelings [of unhappiness and rejection] by being overly friendly and funny, so I was always well liked and accepted despite my weight.

Danielle’s best tips:

1. I had more than 200 pounds to lose, so I set mini goals of two to five pounds. (Danielle’s “mini-goals” are even mini-er than Michele’s.)
2. I started out by walking just one block and gradually increased the distance as I was able to physically handle more. By slowly ramping up the intensity, I was not overwhelmed and also felt like I was achieving something, which helped me to stay on track.
3. To help scale down restaurant portions, I always ask for a to-go box as soon as my meal is brought out. I immediately put half of the meal in the box and enjoy the food remaining on my plate…

Michele’s best tip:

Mini goals are critical to those of us with a lot to lose. Those can be scale goals such as losing 20 or 30 pounds¹, or process goals, such as journaling successfully for three weeks in a row. And remember to reward yourself.

1. I love how she says “20 or 30 pounds” like it’s nothing. Like the 10 pound range there is so small as to feel almost insignificant. Like she doesn’t read the “success stories” of people who have 25 pounds to lose, either. Because, guess what? At our weights, “20 or 30 pounds” DOES feel insignificant. [↩]

Current internet procedures at work:

We would like to remind all staff that the internet is only to be used for TherapyCorp related business. Although light internet usage may be OK during your breaks or at lunch, certain things are not acceptable at any time because of the network stress and security risk they pose. These are:

• Instant Messaging
• On-Line dating
• On-Line music (audio streaming)
• Myspace and other blogging software
• Video that is not work related (video streaming)
• Chat rooms other than pre approved Work Related
• Private Business work
• Auctions (i.e. E-Bay, etc.)
• Your TherapyCorp E-Mail should be used for agency business only.

Does this qualify as “other blogging software?” I guess we’ll find out when the IT department knocks on my door. They’ll have to hurry, though. I only have 15 minutes before my next clients show up (and they will show up, reliable as geysers) but I feel like I have to take one step toward progress today. I need to make a placemarker — pound a stake into the ground and tie it with a note that says, “I’m here, and I’m still trying.”

I’ve been reading Half of Me for a while now, but only the new updates with a little dip now and again into the archives for something specific. Jennette has a (pardon the pun) task as gargantuan as mine — to lose roughly half of her body weight. The difference, though, is that she seems to have figured it out.

I don’t have it figured out. I just think about it a lot. I formulate theories. Sometimes I make half-hearted stabs at the weight-loss monster, sure, but more than anything I fool myself into thinking that I’m winning the battle by hiding. As I dart from tree to tree, ducking under rocks and into metaphysical caves, I lie¹ to myself. “Hey,” I reason, “As long as the dragon isn’t singeing my eyebrows, I’m safe. Right? Right?”

Meanwhile, the dragon is spending his lunch hours and every other Sunday pillaging the villages and eating all the commoners. (He also eats their leftover Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Kreme, too.)

Today, though, I decided to go back and read Half of Me from the beginning and guess what? Jennette also had her share of fits and starts. She fell off the wagon. More than once. She made grand statements and declarations and kept starting over.

What’s interesting, is that if you look at her archives page, beginning around January, 2005 (which was 15 or so months after she first started blogging), things really started happening. Scrolling up from the bottom of the page, you can see a continuous pattern of loss. You can also see her diving deeper and deeper into the emotional, physical, and social realities of being morbidly obese.²

So, what was magical about January, 2005 that turned Jennette’s early essays on health problems, half-hearted goals, and frustrations into the early stages of success? I don’t know. I don’t know if she knows. The only thing I can figure, so far, is that she just kept on trying.

Reading things like Jennette’s blog really helps me at a time like this. On any given day, we are confronted with before-and-after pictures in magazines, quick fixes, easy answers, and magical pills. What we so often miss are the bumps and blockades in the road that came before the success. It’s easy to berate yourself with thoughts of being the only person in the world who can’t stay on track. It’s easy to compare yourself to others and to categorize thus:

1. People who don’t need to lose weight.
2. People who do need to lose weight, but don’t try.
3. People who need to lose weight, try, and succeed.
4. Me. The only person on the planet who needs to lose weight, actually tries and can’t do it.

It’s just not true, but fits and starts don’t sell magazines.

Anyway, thanks Jennette.

1. Lying and hiding. Nice strategies there, Therapist Lady. [↩]
2. I’ll spare you any more links to such entries, because this post is beginning to sound like a term paper on PastaQueen, but a quick browse through her writing will give you the idea. [↩]