I’m pleased to say that my body has largely regained its health and vigor.

I have decided not to pursue the law suit against the surgeon whose simple error caused such grief.

When I realized how difficult the recovery was, and how emotional, I decided to give myself 6 months to recover.

My goal during that time was to maintain my weight-loss achievements and just heal.

I released myself from the need to lose weight and instead just focused on getting my life back.

I’m pleased to say that in 6 months, I have managed to stay under the 289-pound mark.

I still no longer qualify for weight-loss surgery.

I am back to making art and writing in my journal and doing other things that are important for my mental health.

I am grateful to all of the people — near and far — who have expressed their care and concern for me during this time. In particular, I am grateful to Sarah J., Vickie, Janie, Laura, John, Barbara, and the others who reached out to me in care and concern (and kept reaching out, even when I couldn’t reach back). I’m truly moved.

I am not one to make grand, sweeping statements of intention, but I am pretty sure that I can say this: I am back.

I’m pleased to announce that my weight on Wednesday morning was 282.6 pounds. My next goal was to weigh under 275 by Valentine’s, but I have not figured out exactly how that will work when it comes to my 2009 goals. More to follow once I can sit down with a calculator and a spreadsheet.

I’ve always been a big believer in the power of visualization, manifesting, and daydreaming when it comes to changing your life. This belief was magically confirmed many years ago when, on a New Year’s Eve, I sat down and wrote out a long and flowery description of what I wished my life could look like by the end of the next year. With the exception of having a puppy to cuddle with (that happened about 15 months later, not 12), I was startled to read back through that entry and find that everything I had written had come true. I learned then the power of writing things down. (Lots of people believe in it.) There is a magic to it, and I have seen it happen in my own life.

This magic has been particularly evident this year as I’ve set and achieved goals regarding my weight. And so, as we look forward into a new year, I wanted to take a moment to plan for the near future.

In the next year, I will solve the puzzle of exercise. I will not only take the time to cook good meals, pack my lunch, and celebrate healthy and nutritious foods as I learned to do this year, but I will also move my body more. I will become more strong and more powerful as a result. I will push myself physically past what I believe my limits to be. I will not give up when it is difficult. Oh, sure — I learned to push my limits mentally, emotionally, and spiritually years ago, and I have reaped the benefits in many ways. But this year I will prove to myself that building physical stamina works on the same principle: doing it anyway, even when you think you can’t.

I will establish a working relationship with my body — not just as the pedestal on which my brain sits, but as a vehicle through which I experience the world. I will try new things and accept my weaknesses and start from where I am and be here now and a hundred other psychobabble cliches, if they’ll help me be able to inhabit this new body I’m creating. I’ll stop dreaming and finally do.

In concrete and measurable terms, here is what I plan to achieve by the end of 2009:

1. I will weigh under 227 pounds — taking me from the BMI Obese category into simply Overweight. This will entail losing roughly 1.1 pounds per week, which seems reasonable even if more roadblocks come up.
   
2. I will be able to do 5 standard pushups.
   
3. I will be able to run for at least 20 minutes without stopping.

Important note: I now understand how dangerous it is to achieve goals without having a new goal. It’s like telling the universe, “Thanks for all the help — but I feel like stalling out now.” So, my next goal will be to weigh under 275 by Valentine’s Day. This makes me seem like a real under-achiever, but consider this. Sometime in the next month I will have major surgery, and I assume my recovery will not include vigorous exercise or even hours of standing in the kitchen, cooking. Also, I’d like to make it through the holidays without having a major diet meltdown. It is still my goal to weigh under 289 pounds by the end of 2008 and under 275 by Valentine’s Day. I promise to adjust these numbers as needed, but I’d rather adjust them down than up.

Grateful for: having a computer again. Last night, I got my geek on and replaced my hard drive. I still haven’t tried to restore the backup of my personal weight spreadsheet (with handy-dandy charts!) but I will do that later today. Looks like I will be able to post more frequently again!

Starting weight: 354.6 pounds
Last week: 291.4
This week: 288.8
Change this week: -2.6
Total change: -65.8
Next milestone: 70 pounds gone
Current goal: 275 by Valentine’s Day

This week’s mantra: “Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

So, I just had to refocus. I had to remind myself of all the cliches — the “slow and steady” and “inch by inch, mile by mile” cliches — and about how these 5-pound goals are truly adding up to big-time results. Lose 5 pounds 12 times, and you’ve lost 60 pounds.

I had to just go back to taking it meal by meal and talking myself through it: eat vegetables every chance you can, take it easy on the refined carbs, dodge the sugar, drink more water…

Don’t forget, I had bloat and a few other things working against me last week, which resulted in a gain. So, while it may look like I lost 7 pounds this week, I’ve really lost about 2. I’m just right back on track. Trending down. Re-focusing my thinking. In it for the long haul. Leaving the 300-pound mark in my wake and never looking back. On to the next 5 pounds!

Originally, my goal for evading weight-loss surgery was to weigh under 300 pounds by the end of 2008. There it is again — the big three-oh-oh. With so much riding on those three digits, it’s understandable that my mind and body connection could fabricate a metaphysical traffic jam and, once again, prevent me from crossing into a new century.

Well, yes. My goal was to get there by the end of 2008 but guess what? If my graphs and charts and trend-lines have anything to say about it, I’ll cross that mark by the end of September. For the first time in my life, I am a person who sets and achieves goals. And, the thought of achieving a goal and not knowing where else to go makes me feel very, very uncomfortable.

All of this is to say that to (1) depower the 300-mark and (2) continue sanely along this journey, I am revising my end-of-year goal:

By the end of 2008, I want to weigh 289 pounds or less.

This means that I will have (a) lost approximately 70 pounds and (b) have only 100 pounds left to lose until I cross into my “normal” BMI range.

100 pounds left has a nice ring to it. I think 289 also gives me some leeway in case I need some latitude during the holidays (though, I don’t anticipate needing more than 2 or 3 “free” days and now that I know that chocolate causes my migraines, well… let’s just say it will be a very different holiday season all around). 11 more pounds in 3 months. 4 pounds a month. About 1 pound a week. That’s the course I’ve already been on, and I want to see if I can do it all the way through to the end of the year.

PLUS! Consider this: I am currently a candidate for weight-loss surgery to be paid in full by my insurance because I have over 100 pounds to lose. If I reach 289, I will no longer qualify for that alternative. It will be off the table and I will have nothing to do but acheive my goals the old-fashioned way.