Well, then
Leave it to Vickie to smell trouble before I do.
I think the general attitude was that because I was still weighing in every week, I was doing fine. Sure, I’d have a “good week” and then a “bad week” and then a “good week”… but, still. Overall, I was on track. After all — Kaizen, right?
Then last week I caught myself eating more than I normally would. Look, it wasn’t anywhere NEAR a binge. Just, sort of, an acknowledgement that I was eating without asking if I was hungry or not. It was a realization that I had been eating fewer vegetables, overall. A complicating of my food choices — steps away from the simplifying that I had adopted in recent months. I was very stressed by some developments at work, some circumstances with my family, and a complication of my love life. In the end, it grew to be just a little bit too much.
But, the fact is that I have been stalled out at the same basic weight ever since I found out I would have to undergo surgery. I thought I’d be able to recover from it fairly well, but then my surgery was complicated by a surgeon’s error and I ended up hospitalized for a couple of weeks.
During those weeks, I lost about 25 pounds, but expected to gain most of it back. I did. And I have been stuck ever since.
What’s ironic about this is that I think I know what is going on. I mean, for Pete’s sake, I’m a therapist who works in a hospital. Every day, I operate under the basic assumption that major illness, surgeries, and hospitalizations are potentially traumatic. And yet, I have not been able to process the emotional impact of these medical mishaps in my own life.
When I went under anesthesia for a follow-up procedure on New Year’s Eve, I was forced to realized how much all of this has impacted me, psychologically. As I was beginning to rouse from the anesthesia, the nurses had to hold me down a little bit and insist that I calm down. I wasn’t upset, per se. But, I was trying to speak too early — around the oxygen tubes and happy gas — and the result was a lot of straining and writhing and upset. I couldn’t help it — as soon as I was even remotely conscious, I had to know. “Do I get to go home this time? Do I get to go home?”
“Well, not until you fully wake up and get dressed, lady. CALM DOWN!” they insisted.
I didn’t want to go home right that minute. I just needed reassurance that all had gone as planned and I was going to get to go home at all. The anxiety leading up to this second procedure was unbelievably intense. For the first time, I had to entertain the idea that everything might not turn out fine. I mean, in general, I try to live my life on the assumption that all is well. All is good. Worry is needless.
Increased anxiety is only part of the traumatization that has occurred. And, yes. I’ve been able to maintain my weight loss so far, but I haven’t been able to progress.
I’m not really sure how to end this posting, except to say this: “Well, at least now it’s out there.” Good night.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:48 am
What the nurses said sounds sort of dismissive — that would have probably just riled me up further. You have been through a lot lately. Hope you can start to feel safe.
January 29th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Hopefully now that the procedures are behind you, the stress levels and worries will disapate and help you along on your journey. I know for me stress plays a part!
January 29th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Great insights. And helpful to me too. As to the PTSD (or maybe drop the D) … it sounds SO normal. I’m so sorry that you had to feel that stress on top of everything else. But, I have found once it “is out there”… it helps. I guess that is true in a lot of areas…harumph! Hope the further you get away from Procedure 1 the less it unnerves. Of course, once you have one of those experiences, even if you have 20 great ones… we still remember the one. Sort of like broken hearts, I guess. Thanks for sharing. And know that lots of energy is sent your way. Hope that peace and simplicity enter back to at least a few areas of your life.
January 29th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
I look up to you. You are a courageous woman with an amazing attitude. You will get through this. You have what it takes because you love yourself. It may not be as fast as you plan it to be, but you will reach your goal. Thanks for allowing others to be with you on your journey. I am sorry about the surgical error. My heart goes out to you as I am also looking at surgery and scared about complications.
January 30th, 2009 at 5:01 am
I have been feeling a lot of that ‘everything doesn’t automatically end up okay in my own life too. It hasn’t (yet?) impacted my food or my exercise or my sleep, but I am aware that things don’t automatically land right side up in the world. I think this is a reality year – personally, financially, country, world. And that is hard.
I think it is totally natural that you would have anxiety with the second procedure – and it is good that you recognize that it was totally normal.
I liked this posting very much –
I liked what it said –
and I like that you came back blogging.
It seems that posting on your blog is a good indicator (for you) of how you are listening to yourself. Your mindfulness – don’t you think???
PS – the next time you have surgery – tell them (in advance) what you need to know right when you start to come around. Tell them to keep telling you whether or not there were complications and whether or not you will be able to go home as soon as you come around and get your sea legs back.
My anxiety is BEFORE – I was able to communicate this better with my last surgery and they put me out quick – before I even moved out of the prep room – before I even took off my glasses. I can’t even express what a difference this made – no wheeling down the hall – no hallway at all – no surgery room. I literally changed my clothes and stretched out on the bed and was OUT immediately. No anxiety. I told them that the next time – they should just come out to the car and put me out there – so that I never know a thing. . .
February 9th, 2009 at 11:16 am
How is February going for you?
February 17th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I am wondering and wondering about you – ?????????
February 18th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Hey – I just wanted to say hi. I’m going through much the same thing as you. I lost a bunch of weight, had gallbladder attacks, had my gallbladder removed (in late September), have been in pain ever since, though thankfully it’s no longer consistent, and keep having to revisit the hospital. I have my next round this coming Monday, which may or may not include an ERCP. I lost some weight after surgery too (maybe 10 lbs), then I regained it, now I’ve re-lost it. I’m not moving forward very well right now either.
So I’m wondering are you all better? It’s such a terrible thing to always have to keep on your mind.
Btw, I live in southern California too.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Hi! I arrived at your blog via a link from PastaQueen, and was so intrigued I read my way through your archives. I’ve been there — and how. Here’s a brief version of my story, in the hope it gives you some encouragement.
Like you, I’ve lived most of my life severely overweight. I’m only 5′2, and peaked at 260 lbs. eight years ago. With 62″ hips, I was literally one flabby cube!
I’m way older than you, and actually didn’t have any health problems until I was 43. At that point, every step was excruciating. My partner was in the same boat, only worse. We’re about the same height, and she weighed 300.
We decided we had no choice, and would lose the weight through diet and exercise. We counted calories, and at first could only walk for ten minutes at a time. After 18 very tough months, I had lost 120 lbs and she was down 150! We’ve kept it off for more than 5 years, with occasional ups and downs in the 5-10 lb. range. We’ve gone from size 24/3X to size 6. We’d both love to lose another 10 lbs., but menopause seems to be controlling our bods the way your period does yours.
If we can do it, anyone can. There were plateaus along the way, but the thing that really got us over the humps was 1) realizing that this wasn’t a diet — we were retraining ourselves in how to eat for the rest of our lives and 2) regular exercise. One way to get started with exercise is to walk for 20 minutes before or after every meal. That means you’re walking for an hour a day. I did that for a while and then gradually ramped it up. I now get up at 4 am and do at least 75 minutes of vigorous cardio 7 days a week, and I’m 51 years old. Nobody says you have to get as crazy as I am!
When your doctors clear you for exercise, you gotta start doing it every day. Don’t tell yourself that you have to be a gym rat — just start walking or ride a bike, and don’t let yourself off the hook, and don’t give up. It will make all the difference. Get a walking buddy — having that support makes it easier.
Good luck! I believe in you. You sound like a terrific woman and we terrific women can do anything!
February 28th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Hey Mal, thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. Whether it’s full speed ahead, slow progress, or dead calm on the water, know that there are folks out here interested and caring.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:43 am
it’s now been over a month. . . worried about you – hope all is well – ???
March 5th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Worried here too. Just know lots of good energy being sent your way!
March 10th, 2009 at 6:14 am
hope you’re doing alright….a little worried about you. know that good thoughts are coming your way :-)
April 5th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I know you have been gone for long spells in the past. So trying to remember that this is not unusual. But still, I check in every couple days. Trying to be optimistic that all is well with you. Please drop us a note – it is a long time between January and April – really wondering about you. . .
April 6th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I just stumbled upon your blog, and wonder how you’re doing, too. Hope you are well…
April 10th, 2009 at 7:49 am
i too check everyday….and hope that you are doing well. take care and remember that there are BUNCHES of people who care about you :-)
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:22 am
just wanted to say hi and let you know i was thinking about you…miss hearing from you.