How low?
September 11th, 2008 at 9:39 am (Uncategorical)
I’m ready to admit just how low my morale has gotten this week.
Start with my ongoing medical problems (more on that after two ultrasounds and a doctor follow-up visit tomorrow), the fact that I probably have PMS, and large-scale fallout from the financial crisis of a few of weeks ago. I feel wiped out.
And, perhaps that same PMS is contributing a pound or two of bloat, but this morning I weighed in dangerously close to that 300-pound mark that I was so proud of crossing.
I won’t cross it again if I can help it, but I’m still doing some soul-searching about the moment on Saturday morning when, standing in our local 99-cent store, I decided that purchasing two packages of wafer cookies was the thing to do. “They’re not chocolate,” I rationalized, successfully avoiding a cocoa-triggered migraine but not the sugar and trans fat debacle that followed. “They’re in individually-wrapped packages,” I declared to myself, mistakenly believing that it would “slow me down.” And, “They’re so cheap,” felt important when I thought about all of the rice and bean meals I’ve had in the past 3 weeks. When I started to come to my senses, two days later, I did not toss the offending cookies, reasoning, “but it’s been so long since I had any treats, and I feel so very badly…”
The combination of money woes, health anxiety, and pain episodes crashed on Monday morning when I took a tumble in the subway parking lot before work. Beyond the scrapes and bruises, I seem to have heartily injured my lower back and, two nights ago, could not even walk from the stove to the refrigerator in making dinner.
All of this sounds like bitching and complaining, but the fact is that I have been dancing on tight ropes for the past two months and something had to give. I’m only sorry that it was my food resolve, to the tune of splitting an extra large pizza (with double cheese), wolfing down crappy 99-cent store cookies, and consuming very few vegetables to speak of this week. With the pain and injuries, I have not exercised (or even been able to take the stairs at work) and now I feel exhausted. And undernourished. And stuck. And anxious that every single funny little twinge in my torso is going to lead to a pain episode that will land me in the hospital again.
So. Allow me to hereby plant my flag, press my fists indignantly against my hips, and declare, “This is as low as I go.” My project for the next week and a half is to rebuild my morale and keep my darn chin up.
(But not so far up that I trip and fall in public, again.)
vickie said,
September 11, 2008 at 10:15 am
so sorry to hear of all the woe - and I realize it really is woe - you have a lot going on that is h-a-r-d.
have you gone through this type of hard/woe feeling when you were right around the 299-305 mark before?
the reason that I mention that is - what I tend to do to myself - is revert to what I usually revert to - when I hit the same “mark in the road”.
I think of it (to myself) as the AFTER.
The getting ready to DO and the DOING sort of hold me - and then with the AFTER- it is a like all the air goes out in one wooshing breath and I can fall down. Not literally like in your parking lot - but for me - more like a rubbery spine feeling.
Jen said,
September 11, 2008 at 11:19 am
So sorry to hear about your accident in the parking lot, and all the other worries. Take good care of yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself for turning to food, it would have been easy for any of us to do that. Too bad you didn’t even really enjoy it. One week of crummy food won’t leave you malnourished, though it might depress your spirits a bit. Rebuilding your morale sounds like a great plan.
i i eee said,
September 11, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Hey Mal. I’m so sad to hear about everything crashing down on you at once. Feel free to complain all you want, you have a lot going on.
I hope you heal up well and that your medical issues will be resolved. Having health problems makes weight loss all the more difficult. At least I think so. Bring up that morale because you have the power! But don’t get too down on yourself for the hiccups along the way.
Gosh, I’m starting to get a little too pep talk-ish that even I’m starting to gag. ;) But I do say these things with sincerity.
lilbet said,
September 11, 2008 at 1:14 pm
I think you put this so well with “this is as low as I go”. Your mindset is 99% of the solution and I applaud you for having a determined to be positive one!
Hang in there. Forgive yourself for the pizza, cookies, etc and move on. That’s the beauty of this whole lifestyle change journey we’re on. We’ve got the rest of our lives to do it, one step at a time.
TOWR said,
September 11, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I’m sorry. :( When it rains, it pours, if I may be so cliche. But hang on!! It will be over soon. And I think we need little breaks here and there to keep our body guessing, so pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get going again when you feel like you can. Good luck!
MargieAnne said,
September 11, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Pain is pain. It is so debilitating. The pain you are experiencing will leave you feeling traumatised. I know that feeling only too well.
Regarding stomach acid. Maybe it is, but maybe it is what you think ….. Try checking out Gluten and all it’s ramifications. Somewhere I read there could be a connection between PCOS and gluten intolerance. Gluten intolerance can lead to excruciating pain too and all are hard to diagnose areas. I have been surprised by the huge number of things that are associated with gluten intolerance which need not be Coeliac disease.
Hope you recover from the fall without needing any extra treatment.
Blessings
niagaraview said,
September 11, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I have a marvelous knack for being a klutz and hurting myself in the stupidest ways possible. If it makes you feel any better, I once wiped out in a grocery store in front of about 20 people. The employees thought I had slipped on water. At least that would have given me a reason to fall.
And here’s a bonus quote, points if you know where it came from:
Penny: Everything happens-
Billy: Please don’t say “for a reason.”
Penny: No, I was just going to say that…everything happens.
Laura said,
September 11, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Mal — I just re-found your site after several years. I used to follow you at Malville, back when. Anyhow, despite your low morale at the moment, as someone who hasn’t “seen” you for a couple of years, you seem so much more together, happier in your skin, and more in control of things than you were when last I checked in. For what it’s worth! And I hope the crappy times you are going through now are just a brief downturn in the grand scheme of things; it so often seems to me that right after one goes through a period of YUCK! one gets into a zone of YAY! that is higher than previous highs and lasts longer than the most recent low. Best wishes!
honi said,
September 12, 2008 at 1:20 pm
youch glad u are okay though.. have a good weekend and be good to yourself…
Amy said,
September 13, 2008 at 4:18 am
ugh, things have been hard. i think it’s good to embrace how hard things are and know it’s ok to feel bad about how hard things are, i’m trying to remind myself that drinking coke and eating chocolate every day doesn’t make things better, it just makes some things worse. it’s ridiculously hard to convince myself of that.