Long division
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:39 am (Relational)
No one wants to talk about it, but I think that many people look at fat women differently when they have a boyfriend or husband than when they are single.
Maybe that’s unfair (gross generalization, anyone?) but since becoming involved with my first boyfriend 2 years ago, at the age of 31, I have noticed a dramatic difference in the way others seem to view me. It’s almost as though I have achieved the societal stamp of approval. “Well, she’s fat…” they reason, “but at least she’s not unloveable.” Men at work, at church, on the subway, and elsewhere still avert their eyes when I am too friendly with them. I admit: sometimes I flirt with repairmen or waiters in order to get the job done. What I have noticed, though, is that the squirming ends as soon as I casually utter those magical words: “my boyfriend.”
As though the conversation has let out a sigh of relief, I am suddenly back to the real world. I am not unclean or untouchable. I am a person just like they are and, hey. I am probably not looking to them for fulfillment of my fat-girl fantasies. That’s what my poor boyfriend is for, right? And so, I get to feel normal. That’s sort of nice.
I like to think that this hasn’t contributed too much to the dynamics between him and me. We have what is probably one of the most sweet and silly, most caring, most careful and gentle relationships of all that I’ve known. He is wonderful and sensitive and unerringly honest. He is a good person and he genuinely loves me and what really seems to floor people is that he is kind of a knock-out. He’s average-sized, cute, and fit. He’s never dated anyone who looks like me before, but that hasn’t stopped him from throwing himself whole-heartedly into love with me. And, I love him.
For reasons that are beyond our control, however, it’s becoming clear that we need to separate. It’s been clear, honestly, for the past year. But, how do you break up with someone that you are still utterly in love with? How do you just walk away from the kind of sweet, affectionate relationship that everyone seems to be looking for? How can you reason that the uncertainties of the future are enough basis to end the realities of today?
And, yet.
There were many tears this weekend. Our respective dreams for the future do not align and so, it seems, we may be holding each other back. There are other things, of course, that are not quite right. But, the relationship itself is so solid that the ending of it — the painful, pitiful wrenching apart — has never yet felt worth it. It may not feel worth it now, either, but we are trying to separate.
And so. I will be returning to my role as the single fat girl. I resume my place in the order of things — and today I guess that feels like insult to broken-hearted injury.
Because he’s my first boyfriend, I’ve never had a break-up before.
This is awful.
Help.
Elisa said,
June 23, 2008 at 1:59 pm
My heart goes out to you. I have never had a break-up before but I have been in love. Despite the futures that separated you two, you can always remember that you are lovable, not because he loved you, he was just proof. It is a matter of finding someone whose path will link with yours, not just cross. Take care - Elisa
justoofat said,
June 23, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Sadly, there is no blueprint that makes breaking up easier. However, I believe that the wisdom and clarity that you are applying to this decision will serve you well as you negotiate the consequences of it. I hope, whatever happens, that you find the happiness that you truly deserve.
j
vickie said,
June 24, 2008 at 4:04 am
hugs
Sarah J said,
June 24, 2008 at 11:06 am
Oh my… what Elisa told you is beautiful and perfect. And how brave to know you’ve got something great, but strive for greater. I’m really sorry that the paths aren’t aligning, but how truly wonderful to know that you didn’t break up because of awful, you are breaking up to be more better. You have both gifted each other, it seems, with the foundation to start anew from a good place.. not a wounded place like so many broken relationships.
I know it probably doesn’t help to make it hurt less though. It is always sad when the “what ifs” aren’t possible….no matter how nicely executed.
I’m really sorry that your roads aren’t in the same direction. But how awesome that your individual roads/dreams are clear enough to you each that you aren’t settling for good enough… because at some point… it probably wouldn’t be good enough any longer.
I’m sending positive energy your way. If you need cheesy quotes or song suggestions… just let us know! We can all sit at our desks and sing “Careless Whispers” by Wham! or something.
Amy said,
June 24, 2008 at 11:08 am
You deserve to have a person you love, and who loves you, and who shares your dreams and wants to walk that path with you. The rotten thing is that breaking up for the right reasons is just as hard as breaking up for horrible reasons. It just sucks and there’s no getting around it, it gets better…it really, really does but I know that it doesn’t help to hear that now. There is incredible strength to be had in surviving the hard things. Cliche ends here.
TOWR said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I’m so sorry. I could give you some crappy cliche, but I think this is one of the times when you just have to hurt until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m sending lots of love your way!
honi said,
June 25, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I am not sure if it is because I am in my mid 40s that I say this but I married at 45.. (this past nov) . We have been together for 8 years this July.. life is not perfect.. there is no such thing as fitting into someones life perfectly.. In this world we can only hope to find someone we can share life with .. the good , the bad and the ugly. We all have dreams but sometimes we have to alter those dreams for the sake of happiness. for the sake of reality. If you have a good foundation with this man .. why end it? why not fight for it. just a thought..
Big Girl said,
June 27, 2008 at 10:17 am
First, thanks for stopping by my blog.
More importantly, I am so sorry you have to go through this. It’s called heartache because that’s truly where it hurts.
Even though you know this is something you need/should do it doesn’t make it one iota easier. It’s just hard. It’s awful. It hurts. It does get better though. Moments will go by when it doesn’t hurt as much and you will begin to think of something else and those moments turn into minutes and minutes into hours.
Moving through the world without your boyfriend, will seem awkward and hard. You will however, find your balance again and feel right without him. You will. It may take some time but, you will.
Many blessings to you.