Paging Dr. Love
November 21st, 2007 at 12:58 pm (Uncategorical)
I’m on the couch, crying. It’s a weeknight so we’re relegated to the phone and he hates it when I cry.
“How could I have responded better to this?” he asks. He’s sincere, but there is a hint of frustration. “What did you want me to say?”
I think for a long time before answering. “I guess I hoped you would say, Great. What’s your plan? I’ll figure out how to help you follow whatever plan you choose. Not, Unless you do it my way, I can’t accept it.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” he sighs.
I know. I know he can’t. It’s just the way he is. And, he has been placed into the worst position that a heterosexual American male can encounter — girlfriend trying to lose weight. Poor guy. How does he be supportive without being condemning? How does he encourage without judging?
It may be that he just can’t do it. Maybe I need to stop asking.
Lori W. said,
November 21, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Why does he think his way is the only way to solve your weight loss?
I’m always struck by when men hear problems, they offer solutions. “Don’t eat cookies” might be one solution. Whereas women tend to emphasize and just want support. I’m overgeneralizing because I find now I ask people more direct questions when they come to me with problems. What would you want him to say to you if you could change his answers?
You wrote, “how does he encourage without judging.” I don’t know you or your guy but ask yourself this question, “When someone is encouraging me and I feel bad, do I feel like I’m being judged?” I know I sometimes do. It’s my own guilty feelings.
I don’t know what to tell you; I lost most of my weight when I was alone — I had a period of several months when I dated someone. Most of my friends are women who have been supportive.
PastaQueen said,
November 25, 2007 at 9:07 pm
I wish I had something helpful to say. Sadly, all I have is a frowny face emoticon :(
Sarah J said,
November 30, 2007 at 9:39 am
I have probably read this post about 10x wishing I could figure out the right answer. It stinks to not have him either understand or try to understand that he doesn’t understand. He sounds like a great guy in so many ways. I’m sorry that on your hot button issue..he can’t be more. Maybe he feels helpless in the face of something that is so big to you? He loves you and feels overwhelmed by his inability to make it hurt less? And his answer is the typical guy thing…get exasperated? Wish I knew the answers. Hang in there. And, maybe this is something you have to just do for yourself and hopefully he’ll figure out a way to understand the ups/downs of the journey for you. Hang in there.
Zentient said,
December 2, 2007 at 8:23 am
Oh, yeah, I know this one. I’m old (56 years), I went through a time when I insisted that certain foods not be allowed in the house, and I would dictate eating out, and a lot of other rules for people around me to follow. I demanded to be propped up and praised. It never worked. Never. I kept focusing on other people and the world at large to make sure I stayed on track. It was a setup for misery. I never simply owned my choices and behavior. Somewhere lurking in my mind, there was always a backup plan of blame to call up when I didn’t lose weight. Asking for support is good, and it’s helpful. If it’s not always there, that’s OK too. It really is. I finally came to understand a bit, the Byron Katie quote: “God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.”
Best to you and everyone,
Zentient
janie said,
December 9, 2007 at 3:49 pm
I too have read this post several times….and can relate. I too wish I had the perfect thing to say to help out but….I don’t :-( He sounds like a good guy that just doesn’t understand this thing you’re struggling with….maybe it’s a foreign language to him and as much as he would like to understand….he doesn’t. It seems that he has a lot of great qualities and for this….well….maybe it just isn’t going to happen. Maybe look around and see where else you can get the support you need for now and maybe at some point he’ll be able to understand better. Good luck and know that you’re not alone :-)
janie said,
December 11, 2007 at 3:19 pm
just checking on you. are you doing alright???