The Truth
November 4th, 2007 at 12:34 pm (Physical, Metaphysical)
It has finally happened.
I knew the news wouldn’t be good, but (I figured) it’s better to know the Truth and proceed from there, no? No. The Truth is that when I stepped onto my scale — something which I had not deigned to do since August — it did not give me a number that I could plug into my now-defunct spreadsheet.
OL. I am OL. I am Over the Limit of what my 350-pound-capable scale can read. And so, no. I cannot know the Truth of my weight and proceed from there as I had hoped. But, there’s plenty of Truth I do know about my life. None of it, today, is very good.
I have apparently reached my highest weight in almost 10 years. Even when I thought I had hit bottom 4 years ago and first went to a Weight Watchers meeting, I only weighed 347. I have not bought groceries in over 3 weeks. I even buy my milk in 1/2-pint quantities at the McDonald’s drive-thru. There have been dozens of meals that have consisted of cookies and pie and ice cream over the past months.
I can scarcely walk around the block without panting. No — delete the word scarcely from that sentence. I struggle to tie my shoes. I can no longer pull my robe around me, and so must completely dress before taking the dogs out to potty in the morning. I barely recognize my own face, hands, and ankles. I’m not saying that I remember what it is to be thin, only that I remember what it is to weigh less than 350 pounds. I weigh twice as much — more than twice as much, really — as my boyfriend. He loves me, but he worries. And, as we have worked so hard together as a team on his goals, we have (by my own order) completely ignored mine.
I have lost my therapist of four years to an out-of-state move. As she left, she recommended an intensive, outpatient eating disorder program to me as my next course of treatment. The details aren’t important here, but the intensity of the program and the depth of commitment it requires have made it impossible for me to engage their services, in spite of sucking up my pride and attending an intake appointment.
And, although I said I would never do so, I requested a prescription for Prozac from my psychiatrist friend. He and I researched and it has been shown in some cases to reduce bingeing. I had thought it might be a nice bridge through this hard time, but perhaps the dosage is too low. It doesn’t seem to be working and in fact, I feel more depressed than I have for a long time.
In spite of earning more than ever (and reducing my outlay of cash due to the departure of the therapist), my debt is again skyrocketing. I am behind on bills. I either have to move or find a new roommate by December 1st. I cannot maintain my current lifestyle in this city. I cannot reign myself in.
My driver’s licensed is expired. My car’s registration hasn’t been current for over 2 years, so I panic every time I drive in daylight or park out in public. All I have to do is get a form from the State of Utah to complete the application that the California DMV lost in transit, but I have not been able to sit down, complete the form, and put a stamp on it. My car stalls in intersections and when changing lanes. Last night I thought I would have to spend the night at my boyfriend’s house when the car wouldn’t pull away from the curb. I have spent all of my money on fast food and simply do not have the funds to repair my car.
I do not wash the dishes. I do not fold the laundry, when I get around to washing it. I don’t sweep or mop the floor and I don’t scrub the sink. My house is drowning in stacks of papers, boxes of detritus, and errant pet treats. I have even started to watch TV again for the first time in 4 years — just to have something to do besides hate myself.
This sounds sort of silly, but I do view it as an indicator of how mindfully I am (or am not) living my life: my carbon footprint has not been this big in the past 5 years. I cannot find the energy to recycle. I drive everywhere, because I am so out of shape. I toss wrappers and empty cups from drive-through restaurants and I don’t even think about it. I collect all kinds of junk mail and other bullshit that I don’t have the energy to sort through. I take long, long showers “to relax.” I use the air conditioner even though it is November — my extra layers of fat heat me up and make me sweat if I don’t.
I have not written in my journal for months. I have not meditated or read or prayed or done anything remotely spiritual. I have fallen behind at work and am in a constant state of “waiting for the next big thing” that will make everything better. I am not living in the present, obviously. I am not living my life.
My dogs love me. My boyfriend loves me. My family loves me and my friends love me. But, everyone is worried about me — including me.
This is a bad day.
Jen said,
November 4, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I’m so sorry that things are so hard for you right now. It sounds like you really need some help and I am sending out my hope that you can find it, along with my love and support. I’m glad you ended the post with all the people who love you — please talk to them about what you need them to do to help support you while you find your way back to the life you want to live.
Ali said,
November 4, 2007 at 6:46 pm
*hugs*
Wow this must have been a hard post to write. The fact that you wrote it shows you have the strength to pull yourself out of this funk.
You mentioned scrubbing your sink. I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of flylady.net before, but I honestly believe that the flylady system can help when you’re so depressed that the thought of getting out of bed is sometimes too much. The first step is shining your sink and it all snowballs from there. She says “You are not behind, just jump in where you are!”
There’s nothing wrong with taking prozac or whatever else you need. There is no shame in being depressed. This is an illness, not a failing. But then you already knew that I’m sure.
*hugs* you can do this. We all believe in you.
Sarah J said,
November 5, 2007 at 7:50 am
So…TELL us… what can we do to help?
Têtue said,
November 5, 2007 at 10:41 am
I’m sending big hugs your way! You took the hardest step–you got on the scale! I haven’t been on the scale in about three weeks because I’m terrified of what it will say. Just keep getting out of bed and eventually things will get better. Let me know what I can do to help!
PastaQueen said,
November 5, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Well, I can’t clean your house for you or come cook you healthy meals, but I can point you to a scale that weighs up to 440 pounds. Ye’ old Tanita HD-351, oh how it has served me well. It’s priced at $70 at Amazon, so I don’t know how that fits into your debt issues, but it’s there.
I’ll be thinking of you.
jodi said,
November 5, 2007 at 6:43 pm
i think you took the first step just now - writing this out and sharing it w/us - so thank you for being honest because it takes a lot to admit what you just did… we’ve all hit rock bottom, in some shape or form, and managed to find our way out - you can too… there’s nothing wrong w/reaching out and asking for help, that’s what we’re here for… :o)
Amy said,
November 7, 2007 at 9:31 am
All I can think is that I would totally taken the toe ring off to make sure it wasn’t putting me over. I also wonder how much my appendix weighs because it’s not like I NEED it. I’m glad you’re back. If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know. Please.
Zandile said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Thank you for being so open, I have some similar issues in my life (especially with regard to allowing so much junk to suck away my energy and time and living beyond my means and out of control) and I’m scared to be as open as you are, but reading this entry just made my heart ache for you and made me feel like I’m not alone in getting mired into unhealthy bogs of the mind. I’ll be thinking of you on this journey, I hope the new job and the new place help you to unshackle yourself!
Susan said,
November 8, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Having been down in that pit and found my way out of it, may I say that your post reads like the classic signs of depression. I think you should go back to the doctor and review your medication. Antidepressants work in different ways for different people - if Prozac doesn’t do it for you, another med will.
Best wishes.
mal said,
November 8, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Thank you, Susan. I’ve definitely been down this road before too — from both sides, so to speak, since I am also a psychotherapist. But thank you for the advice. Rest assured I am doing everything possible for myself at this point. The first step was to recognize and admit where I was. Since then, everything has felt better.
Lori W. said,
November 9, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Mal, I know how you feel. In fact, even though I’ve lost weight, I still am feeling some of these very same things. The weight is not a cause; it’s a symptom. I’m proud of you writing this out as I know it wasn’t easy for you. If there’s anything I can do, let me know.
John said,
December 12, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Having just read your list of problems in your life (not paying bills, tidiness etc) what is staring me in the face is possible depression.