The difference
July 4th, 2007 at 12:24 pm (Metaphysical, Physical)
Last time I visited my parents, I had lost 25 pounds from my starting weight. In contrast to the pajamas and slippers that I prefer to wear on travel days (C’mon. You’ll never see any of those people again…), I was wearing a cute, “slimming” (one of my least favorite words) blouse, a cute pair of heels, and had straightened my hair because I was to meet the two Rachels right after the flight. I sat in the airport, sketching in my journal and waiting for boarding call when a man came and asked me for the time. I scarcely looked up when I answered, and continued with my little painting.
Then, our flight was rerouted and we all had to re-check-in at the desk. As I stood in line, the man approached me again. He became very chatty. At some point, I looked up and noticed that he was not bad looking. In fact, he was sort of cute. And he wouldn’t stop talking to me. Then he touched me a few times — on the shoulder, the elbow, etc. — and called me “pretty lady.” He flirted nicely, without being heavy handed. He was just… I don’t know. Interested.
We were then separated, and I boarded the plane alone. I asked the greeting flight attendant for a seat belt extender as I do on every flight. She looked me up and down — slimming blouse, cute hair, recently flirted-on — and said, “Well, it doesn’t look like you’ll need it!” Of course, I did. But, it was incredible to hear.
Flirty Man and I re-connected at the baggage claim after the flight. He asked how long I’d be on vacation, and let me know his travel plans. I, having a boyfriend, didn’t offer him my number, though now I wish I had. He sensed my hesitation and didn’t ask. Boyfriend and I had just started the long process of fighting and breaking up. Flirty Man was cute. His name was Scott. He was an executive chef. Chefs are hot.
So was I, that day, apparently.
I’ve now gained back about 15 of those original pounds, and it showed on this week’s flights to and from my parents’ house. On the first, I had an aisle seat (my preference, since I can hang out any, er… extraneous body parts into the aisle until the food service cart comes by and not be such a hassle to the people seated next to me), but that wasn’t quite good enough. The young couple occupying the row looked up when I pushed my carry-on under the seat. They then exchanged a wordless look (which I’ll mercifully refrain from interpreting), and promptly traded seats with each other. This put the bigger, muscle-ier, wider male next to the window, and the slight, wispy female in the middle, next to me.
“Whatever,” I thought. I then engaged my seatbelt extender and proceeded to twist and contort my limbs in such a way throughout the flight that I hoped I would appear or feel or, I don’t know, smell less offensive. I also threw out my back in the process. Owie, and welcome home.
On the flight back, I realized at check-in that I was stuck in the middle of the row. Through the wonders of modern technology, I then learned that there were 4 similar seats still available on the flight, and one window seat next to an empty middle. Further investigation revealed this window seat to be on an exit row — which I’ve always heard offer more legroom — and, at 6′1″ tall, I thought that might be a nice compromise.
It was, until I realized two things:
- The armrests in exit rows don’t lift up and out of the way of my fluffy, fat ass.
- The window-side armrest was bolted into the emergency door in such a way as to resemble a forest fungus or otherwise awkward-ly placed ledge. It was superbly uncomfortable.
Is it really possible that this is the difference 15 pounds can make? On a 330-pound frame, does 15 pounds really make that big of a difference? Or is it just that I walked, talked, dressed, and acted like a thinner person? Was it my attitude that led to being hit on and complimented by people? Was it my attitude that led to my later frustrations?
How much of this is in my head? How much of it is in the airline industry’s corporate policies? How much belongs to the greater society at large and how much belongs to the power of my own positive (or negative) thinking?
I know that airplane seats are uncomfortable for all but the slimmest of folks. I know that I am not alone in this airplane problem, but it is a good illustration for me of the changes that have occurred in my body in the 4 months since I’ve been actively mindful about food and exercise. It’s not just the 15 pounds that have returned — it is my old attitudes and thoughts and frustrations.
Têtue said,
July 5, 2007 at 8:14 am
When I flew last year, the plane on the first leg of my trip was just fine. Seatbelt fit well, I didn’t feel wedged into my seat–overall a good experience. Then when I got on the second plane after the layover, everything was different. The seat was uncomfortably tight, the seatbelt *just* made it around my waist. Complete opposite of the first flight. Maybe it’s the same with you? Maybe you just got a bad plane? They do exist!
I’ve gained some of my weight back too. It’s so hard to get your head in the right place to get back to work. I’m here working, too!
Sarah J said,
July 5, 2007 at 8:41 am
Well, that settles it. I no longer need to write my own blog. You write for me. Wish I had some wisdom to mitigate the crappy of this particular reality..but I don’t. It just is what it is, no? I use the airplane seat as the analogy for most/all of my weight issues. It touches on all of them… other people’s perceptions, my heightened sense of other peoples thoughts/feelings and the contortions I try to make to accommodate them (even if it isn’t what they are thinking), the limitations I feel/perceive (both real and imagined) in a body “this size”, the boundaries felt (okay, actually… stabbing into me) from being in “this body”. etc etc. Thanks, again, for writing such an honest and brutal post. You are not alone. It does suck. I’m really sorry you had to go through it. But, I hope you (and all of your loyal following - me included) find your/our way to travelling and exploring with ease!
PastaQueen said,
July 5, 2007 at 11:46 am
Personally, I did not notice much difference in 15 pounds when I was starting out, but everyone is different. Do your clothes still fit right? I’m only 5′9″ and I still feel cramped on planes even now that I’m thinner. My boss is 6′4″ and it’s comical to think of him wedged into a coach seat.
Rachel C. said,
July 5, 2007 at 10:24 pm
I wish you had given Hot Chef Scott your number as well.
You were radiant when I saw you. I hope your confidence and/or attitude returns speedily -hot chefs are out there waiting -”wanting to have sex with you.” And cook you yummy, sexy healthy meals.
Lori W. said,
July 6, 2007 at 11:22 am
Têtue has a point. I took a plane from Tampa which had two more connections and with each plane, the seats kept getting gradually smaller and smaller — I felt like Alice in Wonderland by the time we got to Charlotte. You’re also taller than me and that adds to the discomfort/tightness of a seat — there’s only so much space for your legs and torso.
You’re not alone. As for the 15 pounds making a difference, it could. It is 5% of your body weight and it probably gave you heaps of confidence. (It’s like when you’re dating and then all of the other men come out of the woodwork too. Go figure.)
Thanks for another really good thoughtful post.
Marla said,
July 12, 2007 at 4:54 am
15 pounds IS a big deal - go pick up a 15 pound dumbbell and you’ll know it immediately! But yeah, I do think a lot of it is in our heads, and has everything to do with confidence. One day I can feel fit and confident and attractive, then the next day feel fat and pathetic and hideous. Obviously nothing changed but my attitude, and boy would I like to pinpoint what causes that change! And I think everyone’s noticed how different the same weight can feel, depending on whether you are going up or going down the scale. I feel fantastic at 205; five years ago that same weight terrified and depressed me, because it was quickly followed by 210, 215, 220, etc.
I’m sorry you missed your chance with The Hot Chef, but also I’m sure there will be other opportunities!
Kriss said,
July 24, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Congrats on being flirted up! It’s a great feeling, isn’t it? I, too, wish you swapped spit, er, I mean numbers. :)
And I rolled my eyes at that self-righteous couple giving you “the look”. Boy, oh boy, do I know “the look”. Any chance you can upgrade to first class in the future?
janie said,
July 30, 2007 at 9:50 am
Just wanted to say hi and see if you’re doing alright….I miss your posts.Take care.
the veggie paparazzo said,
August 4, 2007 at 11:37 am
How are you doing lately? No posts in a month now. . . .
I just realized on my latest flight two days ago that I finally feel more comfortable in airline seats–and that’s having reached 180 pounds. I can’t imagine trying to fly at all at 330; that would be very exasperating.
Sarah J said,
August 28, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Hey there… you are missed. You have a talent for communication. I hope life is treating you well.
Ali said,
August 30, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Just wanted to say I’m thinking about you. I miss your posts!
janie said,
August 31, 2007 at 4:56 am
just wanted to say hi and let you know that you’re being thought about by many people and we hope you’re doing well.
Natalie said,
September 28, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Hi there,
I’ve just stumbled across your blog - it’s exceptionally well written, and very refreshing! I think I may need to be lurking around here for some more!
I wish you the very best in your weight-loss endeavours - you sound like you’re doing well :)
Nat x