Chronicles of a Late Bloomer

I am writing from the airport, where I’ll be traveling back home to California after an unexpected family funeral. The last time I visited my family — in April (and documented here) — was the last time I was really “on program” with my eating. It’s cliche, but going home always derails me. My hope is that this trip will, well, rail me again.

My parents have faithfully followed their new eating program for over a month now, and are seeing some results. Mom has lost nearly 20 pounds and dad at least 10. He didn’t weigh himself at the beginning, but his belt now needs a new notch and his pants ride dangerously low. The part of me that is proud of them really is bigger than the part of me that is jealous and frustrated, but both parts exist.

The television screens hanging from airport ceilings are playing CNN, and CNN is reporting on Binge Eating Disorder. Ironic. Just as I sit down to reflect on my eating patterns and try to prepare myself for re-improving them, CNN jabs me in the ribs with her bony elbow. Yeah, yeah. I hear you.

Did I tell you that my therapist is moving? My therapist of 4+ years — 2.5 of which were spend in twice weekly sessions — is leaving the state. We have been in the long process of what we psychotherapists like to call “termination.” It’s terribly macabre, I think, to turn a business transaction into a metaphor for death and murder, but there it is. We don’t even call it “expiration,” which implies some passive, fault-free end. At any rate, I have been all over the map, emotionally, about termination with her. I think it finally all winds up in the first week of September.

Part of ending with her, of course, involves plans and recommendations for the future. My therapist works at an eating disorder clinic when she’s not at her private practice, and she has tried to refer me to that clinic before. Several times. It’s an “intensive outpatient” experience — just this side of residential treatment — and would involve a sizeable outlay of cash (which may or may not be subsidized by my insurance) plus 3-4 nights a week for 3-4 hours of individual, group, family, art recreational, and other therapies. There are nutritionists, exercise physiologists, yoga instructors, financial consultants, and dieticians on staff as well.

My therapist swears by this place, and has seen many people be able to turn their eating disorders around. I, for my part, am skeptical still. If nothing else, the money and time commitments are daunting. I’d have to stay totally on top of my shit, work-wise and budget-wise. I’m not sure I’m prepared for a close-up magnification of all of these issues. Not while I’m still trying to keep my own clients afloat, that is. I’m also not convinced that my family will be willing to participate in mandatory family sessions — and how would they? They are three states away.

These are the things that have kept me from enrolling in treatment there on the other times she’s recommended it. Now, though, I won’t have therapy with her, either. This means I won’t be paying her (and, since I pay out of pocket, this will free up funds, indeed) but I also won’t have her emotional support (which, I predict, will create a big void). Anyway, I’m thinking about it. More to come, I’m sure.

Of course, plenty has happened in the month since we talked. Here is a bulleted brief:

• I completed the process of interviews and second interviews and thank-you letters and lunch-hour traffic and was offered three very fine new jobs. I turned down two of them, but the third was from a clinic that I really respect. Naturally, I had anticipated quitting my current job and taking the new job. I had anticipated it, that is, until my boss stepped up to the plate, matched their offer, and threw in a few sweet bonuses. I opted to stay.
  
• I have spent the last month re-connecting with work that had fallen through the cracks and preparing for year-end. I was actually written up for some reports that were overdue, but managed to catch them all up before I came home for the funeral. Never been written up before but, hey. I probably deserved it.
  
• I have, for the first time in 5 years, given into my annual spring-time Baby Hunger and acquired a cat. She’s wonderful and terrible all at once. I’ve never had a cat before due to allergies, but she is hairless and ridiculous. More on her to come.
  
• I have been with my boyfriend (my first boyfriend, for those of you who are tuning in late) for nearly 11 months now. Unfortunately, I am more certain than ever that I will be breaking up with him (or at least “taking a break”) within the next few weeks. Sigh.
  
• My previous roommate moved out, and left a wake of accusations and drama and bitterness when she left. I’ve never had a roommate situation go bad, so that was a bit stressful.
  
• I have a new roommate now, though, who is very nice. Her boyfriend has also been staying with us, and may begin paying rent as a tenant because of it. Things get a little tight on the weekend when my boyfriend is also around, but of course that may not be lasting much longer. See above.
  
• One of my best friends is moving back into town tonight, and I couldn’t be happier. She’s a great person and supremely supportive. She’s finished her PhD coursework and will spend the next year completing her dissertation. Naturally, I have PhD envy.
  
• On that note, I will be applying for PhD programs beginning in September/October of this year (for admission September next year). I wasn’t going to mention it, because I don’t think I’ll be admitted this year. “Not being admitted” is fancy talk for being REJECTED, but it’s worth noting.
  
• I’ve also acquired all of the necessary hours for my licensure and now only need to complete my trainings and pass 2 licensure exams. Nice.
  
• I miss the gym and the satisfaction of having worked out. I don’t really miss working out, but I do miss feeling good about myself because I have.

So, for today, that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Thank you to all who have expressed interest and concern in my well-being. It really does mean a lot. Welcome to July.