The cruelest month
April 20th, 2007 at 12:44 pm (Metaphysical, Physical)
Despite what they say, you can go home again. And again, and again, and again… in all the good ways and the bad. I’ve been struggling through the month of April. Warning signs have included: bingeing, isolating, complaining about constant overwhelm, obsessively planning for the future (instead of living in the moment), anxiety attacks, falling behind on obligations, a general sense of fatigue or malaise, money woes, a world overtaken by clutter, and — did I mention? — BINGEING.
I had a great time at home with my family. I thoroughly enjoyed my night out with the girls. I relaxed, I got hit on, I came home to a puppy so smooshable that you’d get a stomach-ache. Life isn’t so bad, when you think about it.
But signs of trouble exist elsewhere: (1) I have continued to pursue my current health scare with my doctor. (2) I have had multiple interviews for new jobs and will probably have one or more offers next week, yet still feel that I may want to stay with my current employment because (3) I have decided to pursue my PhD applications sooner than later. (4) I may have to move from my current home and that always stresses me out. (5) My brother recently came out to my parents and I have been working overtime to manage everyone’s emotions about that.
On top of everything, and probably most importantly, (6) my wonderful relationship with Record Store Romeo may be slowly winding to an end. I don’t know for sure about this, but two nights before I boarded the plane for home, we had our first, “Maybe we should just break up” talk. For now, things are sort of back to normal, but we both feel, to varying degrees, that we are living on borrowed time.
In fact, in therapy yesterday, we pinpointed this as the source of all the frantic, frenetic and destructive energy. I seem to be shoring myself up against what I anticipate will be the most difficult loss of my adult life to this point. In doing so, I have fallen back on my most familiar coping mechanisms: (1) numbing the pain with food, (2) obsessively, compulsively planning contingencies for all of the Great Unknowns of my immediate and far-off future, and (3) making ridiculous amounts of numbered and bulleted lists. Sorry.
I always gain some weight when I go home, but I have gained a total of 10 pounds in April. I am feeling it. I imagine people see me as a gigantic slug, which is funny because I’m still 15-20 pounds lighter than when I first jumped back on the health bandwagon this year, and at that time I didn’t think too much about it. Still, 10 pounds. Insert inappropriate cursewords here, in all permutations of maternity, blasphemy, and bodily functions.
What’s interesting to me is that as you wander through BlogLand, you pick up hints of similar slumps in others. Many of you are handling it better than I, with your fancy good attitudes and reasonable emotional reactions and logical thinking. OH THE LOGIC. Y’all are killing me. I’m not ready for logic. I’m still wallowing in everything, and not entirely sure how to get from here to there.
Dear April, you kind of suck. GO AWAY.
Annie said,
April 20, 2007 at 3:41 pm
The lack of warm weather has not helped April one bit either. If you are in one of the places that will be getting some nice sunshine this weekend I really suggest getting out and soaking it up. It makes me feel better and maybe it can do the same for you. Plus if you can do it with a walk that helps to remove more stress. Wishing you soild footing to get back in control and feel better.
Luna Bella said,
April 20, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Oh, I’m sorry to hear about your multiple stressors, especially your winding-down relationship. There’s no pain quite like that. A year and a half ago, I broke up with my live-in boyfriend…I ended up finding an apartment, moving and starting a new job in the space of a week. It was horrendously disorienting, as if I’d suddenly dropped into a life I didn’t recognize. Initially I was too miserable to eat, and I lost a bit of weight, but then I started to do the eat-for-comfort thing and porked right up.
I hope you find some ways to be extra-good to yourself these days.
metamorphose said,
April 21, 2007 at 6:46 am
Yes, Mal. If you can find a way, be extra-good to yourself. I hope everything works out for the best.
Lori W said,
April 21, 2007 at 9:25 am
Mal, you’re putting yourself under a lot of pressure and of course, you’re going to eat. I know for me I eat when I’m stressed out. And why? I know it’s not good for me and I will gain weight. But I also know why. It’s the one thing that has worked for me in the past to calm my nerves, help me with stress, etc. etc. As destructive as overeating and bingeing is, it does provide something to my life. The trick (I suppose) is to figure out how to reduce some of your stress or finding new ways to deal with the stress.
Already you’re doing better because you still have kept off some weight. 15 to 20 pounds is nothing to sneeze at.
One thing that’s really hard for me is being on tenderhooks or not knowing where I stand. You are in the middle of job interviews, looking for apartments, PhD programs and possibly breaking up. All of those things would drive me bananas by not knowing what’s going to happen.
I will recommend walking around with your cute little dog and get out of the house. Mild exercise really does work and I am loathe to admit that about exercise. Also be good for yourself like Meta says. Maybe you can write down what you are feeling in a journal when you feel like eating or draw instead of automatically eating. You’re very talented and smart and cute. All of us are rooting for you and I definitely can understand where you’re coming from.
lisa jane said,
April 21, 2007 at 10:11 pm
:( :( :(
dammitt!!!!!
I don’t have anything clever to say, sorry, just that I hope your life slows down a bit soon.xoxox
Sarah said,
April 22, 2007 at 11:56 am
Hang in there. Your post is perfectly logical to me =) Glad you had a good time at home!
Rachel said,
April 22, 2007 at 5:09 pm
I put on 7.5 pounds. :( Good crap.
Be good to yourself and I’m here if I can help in any way!!!
jodi said,
April 23, 2007 at 9:12 am
i, too, have noticed bloggers tend to go thru similar things, at the same time… if you’re having a bad week, so is someone else… if you’re having a great week, someone else is celebrating with you, so that’s pretty cool… i know you’re going thru a really rough time but like others have said, make sure and take some time for yourself… and the recent 10-pound gain won’t be there forever so have faith that as things get less-stressful, the scale will reward you… :o)
Mymsie said,
April 24, 2007 at 8:24 am
I can relate! I’m in a major funk as well. :( I’m sending good energy to you!
grumpy chair said,
April 27, 2007 at 6:53 am
I only know of one blogger who is losing weight in April. The rest have been gains (me included - 6 pounds in three weeks). Hang in there.
Zanitta said,
April 29, 2007 at 2:28 pm
The good news is that April is now nearly over, so hopefully things are getting better for you.