Signs of Change: Anxiety
February 15th, 2007 at 11:54 am (Physical)
Maybe it’s a strange thing to talk about on a fitness blog (but, I am a therapist after all), and maybe it’s even stranger to lump one’s anxieties into a category designed to celebrate signs of weight-loss progress, but that’s what you get when you come to the Chronicles. WE LIKE TO KEEP YOU GUESSING.
The thing is, I always knew that my binge eating and general lack of regulation was probably masking an underlying depression. It made perfect sense — major depression runs on both sides of my family. I’ve suffered some form of low-grade depression, on and off, since I can remember. (Of course, I’ve also suffered from morbid obesidy since I can remember, so YOU DO THE MATH) But, as it turns out, the less I use food to cope, the less bingeing and mindless eating I do, the more utterly unremarkable my food habits become, the more anxious I am. Not depressed. I guess the depression was just what wormed its way to the surface. The fears and anxieties remained hidden, their voices muffled under a mountain of food.
At first, I didn’t think much of the flutters in my stomach and the heart palpitations and quick sweats that seemed to come out of nowhere. I’m just stressed, I reasoned, or worried about things. Then, a few weeks ago, the anxieties hit an all-time high. It wasn’t until the thought bandits running through my head reached the point of absolute absurdity that I was able to look at the situation for what it was. Apparently, I’m anxious.
Apparently, I live in constant fear.
What’s great is that these fears are so ridiculous as to be laughable, at times. I’ve started giving voice to them, which only adds to the silliness. If my boyfriend catches me stopping in the middle of a chore, standing still, looking off, he’ll ask: “What is it?”
And I’ll rattle off any number of scenarios so outrageous that they couldn’t possibly be taken seriously.
- I’ve worried that my cell phone was giving me a brain tumor.
- I’ve worried that a plane off in the distance was going to be blown up.
- I’ve worried that I’d slice off my hand with a paring knife. (Yeah. I know.)
- I’ve worried that my knee would give out underneath me, that I’d fall off the curb into traffic and die a horrible, crunchy death.
- I’ve worried that an unmarked envelope arriving in the mail was actually an eviction notice. (Hello?! I pay my rent! Where is this fear coming from?)
- I’ve worried, every single time my boss walks by my office, that I’m about to get fired.
- I’ve worried that I was pregnant.
- I’ve worried that I could never get pregnant.
- I’ve worried that my dog was pregnant. MY DOG IS A BOY.
You see where I’m going with all of this.
Speaking of my dog, one of my favorite fears hit as we were leaving home to go a movie last weekend. I pulled the front door shut behind us and locked it and then a thought zapped through my mind. My boyfriend caught it and asked, “Are you okay?”
I looked at him, blankly, and narrated my thought: “What if the furnace breaks and the house fills with carbon monoxide and Milo dies while we’re gone?”
The thing about these fears is that no matter how ridiculous and laughable they are, my body doesn’t seem to get the memo. It treats every thought as big-T Truth, and sends up waves of adrenaline to the rescue. It restricts my breathing and even makes my fingers and feet tingle. My heart races. My face flushes. I have to talk myself down out of the tree. I have to constantly monitor my thoughts to make sure I’m not being unrealistically suspicious of the people around me. I have to second guess myself. I have to take breaks, sometimes, to sit in the bathroom to have a little cry.
It’s terribly exhausting.
Apparently, this is what I was trying to eat away all that time. By filling my belly with donuts and burgers, there wasn’t any room left for the butterflies that have now taken over.
Over the past few weeks (and thanks to my boyfriend, my own understanding of the human psyche, and my incredible therapist), things have gotten a little better. The other day, I even handled an entire incident with my license plates and the DMV.
- What if I have to pay thousands of dollars in fees?
- What if they repossess my car?
- What if I get deported? (Deported??? Deported to where? I was born in California!)
The thoughts were there, yes, but I just kept making phone calls, kept sitting on hold, kept re-explaining the situation for over an hour until a resolution was in sight.
Now, that’s a sign of progress.
Debbie said,
February 15, 2007 at 5:42 pm
I’m not a trained therapist, so I may be way off-base here. But do you think maybe you’re afraid of losing weight? It’s a topic I was getting ready to explore on my own blog. It’s amazing how many people really want to lose their weight, but they’re actually afraid–sometimes, even terrified–of how their world is going to change and how people will feel about them. The extra weight is almost like a safety net that keeps things from changing too much and becoming too much to face. Anyway, just a thought.
I hope you’re able to get your anxieties under control soon. It must be tough to cope with even when you understand the human psyche as much as you do.
Lori W. said,
February 16, 2007 at 6:55 am
It’s so funny; the other day I came home to my apartment and I was expecting to find an eviction notice on MY door. (I do have two cats there that I haven’t told them about but they’re allowed.) When I worked on the hospital side, I used to compare my symptoms to our patients no matter what department I worked in. Headache? Must be a pituitary tumor, OMG!
I have all kinds of fears but I also grew up as an only child. My father wouldn’t let me ride a Ferris wheel (it might roll off the whatever and you’d get splattered along the midway) or eat fresh vegetables as a child (you might choke) and my favorite, I couldn’t take swimming lessons because I might drown. He’s a little bit overprotective. Ahem.
I know I use food as a comforting device to either numb me down, calm me down, reward me, punish me even and it’s been a hard year for me. I’m already on an anti-depressive. Exercise (believe it or not and I hate saying it) does help with depression and anxiety.
I don’t know if you or I have a fear of losing weight but it’s an unknown for me and without my crutch, it’s like I want to lose weight (and I do!) but the personal, social, economic, etc. consequences of it is scary. Some days I think about it and it seems perfectly logical and other days, I think, why am I doing this?
I’m getting ready to write a post about this on the other blog, angryfatgirlz.blogspot.com but it won’t be ready until Monday at the rate I’m going.
Great post!
BTW, thanks for your kind comments on my blog. I really appreciate it.
metamorphose said,
February 16, 2007 at 3:21 pm
It’s weird. I haven’t read a post in a long time where I just kept nodding my head the entire time. I used to worry about things like this myself. I used to always worry about getting my teeth knocked out. Falling down somehow and having them be bashed out. I rarely fall face first. And I don’t get into fist fights. But I clung to that fear all the same. Anyway, blah blah blah. I’m not as bad as I used to be -perhaps I now I have too many rational things to worry about now, that I’ve kicked out the irrational? I’ll have to try and pinpoint when that changed for me…I think my depression did have a lot to do with triggering my anxiety. But enough about me.
I’m glad that you’re making a lot of progress with this. And really, being a fitness blog, I think your mental fitness is worthy of being blogged about here just as much as your physical fitness.
Interesting how Debbie brought up the fear of losing weight. I was also kind of thinking about that the other day -not too long ago on Fatty McBlog, someone made a snide remark about skinny people. I know there are a lot of trolls on there, so it’s not a big deal, but if I remember correctly, the person who made the comment was trying to lose weight themselves. And I just thought, “How can someone who despises skinny people possibly be successful in their quest to become one?” I’m sure some have blogged about this before…anyway, rambling off topic here.
Sally Parrott Ashbrook said,
February 17, 2007 at 8:49 am
I used to be overcome with irrational fears as well. Even now, sometimes I have trouble checking the mail or answering the phone . . . or I’ll feel panicky when I see the director where I work. FOR NO GOOD REASON. As I’m sure you understand.
I ended up on an antidepressant that was also antianxiety AND made some changes in my life that gave me more security–finding a job where I was more readily appreciated, getting my finances straight, etc. I also stopped using birth control, which really fucked with my emotional state. I’ve been off the antidepressant for quite some time now and am mostly better about those things. When I get hit with one, I’m more able to ‘right’ myself. I used to start feeling like a well-shaken Coke bottle waiting to explode with anxiety, but that’s a rare occurrence now.
Good for you for trying to work through that and recognizing it for what it is.
Rachel said,
February 18, 2007 at 2:54 pm
Sorry, dude, I tagged you. Check out my blog and see what I mean.
lisa jane said,
February 18, 2007 at 9:16 pm
giggle.I love the way you write. I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, i kept nodding and smiling with everything you said though i suppose it isnt that funny.This week my most irrational fear is that i am going to die before my 25th birthday party and disappoint and ruin everyones week.When you say it out loud,which i never had before it sounds ridiculous.
thanks you have brightened up my day.:)
though my anxiety is mostly manageable now it really helps to keep it all in perspective ;)