Chronicles of a Late Bloomer

Why am I eating like this? Why these feelings just now? There are lots of factors in play.

1. I’m away from home. I knew I would not have control over my eating, and I have tried to be calm about that. It is probably freaking me out a little, though, and the $40 dinner last night didn’t help. I can barely afford $4 dinners and, emotionally, I am probably reacting to the excesses in spending and eating, even though they are more or less out of my hands for now. I am feeling out of control.
   
2. Milo was attacked by the neighbor dog this week and then had to be boarded so I could come to this conference. I am juggling post-trauma anxiety and the loss of my little bundle of unconditional love. For as annoying as he can be, I miss the little muffin. I am feeling untethered.
   
3. My little night-time romp with bed bugs or a bed spider or bed mosquitos at the Super 8 motel (or whatever it was that ate me alive and left me with some 80+ bug bites) has made me feel uncomfortable and annoyed and anxious and itchy itchy itchy. I can’t sit or focus. I can’t walk well, because the shoes rub against my bites. My body feels accosted and unsettled. I am feeling trapped.
   
4. Last night, I had a very upsetting conversation about Mormons and people from my cultural background. I have not experienced a personal attack like this for 10 years or more. I tried to handle it as well as I knew how, but in the end I was just very, very upset. I am feeling like an outsider.
   
5. Spent all day at the conference, itchy and stirred up. No matter how positive an experience this is, I am feeling tired.
   
6. I posted a weight gain this week when I weighed in at the San Diego meeting. I knew that the crazy, early, weight-melting metabolism shift had to come to an end, but I really reacted to it when it did. I am feeling like a failure.
   
7. All of my friends from school had other plans for tonight. I tried to link up with Einat but something has gone weird and it didn’t work out. Stan and Dana and Wendy are out for sushi together, and didn’t invite me. Five other friends are sharing a hotel room together. Others have husbands and boyfriends. I am feeling lonely.
   

   I prowled the streets tonight, ostensibly looking for gas in my car but, really, looking to see how many restaurants I could hit for full meals before I got sick or time ran out. Was just about to go order 4 falafels from a Lebanese deli when out of the corner of my eye I saw a Subway restaurant.

   Now, I’m not one to say that Subway is the healthiest of health foods, but it is a good combination of protein and vegetables and whole-ish ingredients. I finally made an agreement with myself. “All right. I’ll go to Subway but, dammit, I am going to have a 12-inch-er!” I even got the meal deal, which is way more food than I need these days, but less than I would have eaten had I followed what my body and heart and head and habits were telling me to do.

   I knew it was bad, though, because driving back to my room I felt myself still scouting for food. I drove past a Little Caesar’s and thought to stop and get a pizza to go with my 12-inch-er. I almost pulled into the McDonald’s on the way. But, I didn’t. I just ate my 12-inch Subway meal deal and that’s got to be okay for now.

   Maybe I’ll call my parents. I really need to process what happened last night.