Chronicles of a Late Bloomer

I was walking around the other day and I felt something other than fat. That is, I felt myself to be something other than just fat. For the first time in a long time, I experienced myself as really tall.

I mean, I am really tall, and certainly my height hasn’t changed since I’ve started to change my eating, but it’s been a long time since I could think of myself as anything other than fat. Most people, after they’ve known me for a while, come to some sort of realization about how tall I am. But, they seem to experience me, first and foremost, as just big.

But, there’s more to me than just that, and it’s good to be reminded so naturally.

Why am I eating like this? Why these feelings just now? There are lots of factors in play.

1. I’m away from home. I knew I would not have control over my eating, and I have tried to be calm about that. It is probably freaking me out a little, though, and the $40 dinner last night didn’t help. I can barely afford $4 dinners and, emotionally, I am probably reacting to the excesses in spending and eating, even though they are more or less out of my hands for now. I am feeling out of control.
   
2. Milo was attacked by the neighbor dog this week and then had to be boarded so I could come to this conference. I am juggling post-trauma anxiety and the loss of my little bundle of unconditional love. For as annoying as he can be, I miss the little muffin. I am feeling untethered.
   
3. My little night-time romp with bed bugs or a bed spider or bed mosquitos at the Super 8 motel (or whatever it was that ate me alive and left me with some 80+ bug bites) has made me feel uncomfortable and annoyed and anxious and itchy itchy itchy. I can’t sit or focus. I can’t walk well, because the shoes rub against my bites. My body feels accosted and unsettled. I am feeling trapped.
   
4. Last night, I had a very upsetting conversation about Mormons and people from my cultural background. I have not experienced a personal attack like this for 10 years or more. I tried to handle it as well as I knew how, but in the end I was just very, very upset. I am feeling like an outsider.
   
5. Spent all day at the conference, itchy and stirred up. No matter how positive an experience this is, I am feeling tired.
   
6. I posted a weight gain this week when I weighed in at the San Diego meeting. I knew that the crazy, early, weight-melting metabolism shift had to come to an end, but I really reacted to it when it did. I am feeling like a failure.
   
7. All of my friends from school had other plans for tonight. I tried to link up with Einat but something has gone weird and it didn’t work out. Stan and Dana and Wendy are out for sushi together, and didn’t invite me. Five other friends are sharing a hotel room together. Others have husbands and boyfriends. I am feeling lonely.
   

   I prowled the streets tonight, ostensibly looking for gas in my car but, really, looking to see how many restaurants I could hit for full meals before I got sick or time ran out. Was just about to go order 4 falafels from a Lebanese deli when out of the corner of my eye I saw a Subway restaurant.

   Now, I’m not one to say that Subway is the healthiest of health foods, but it is a good combination of protein and vegetables and whole-ish ingredients. I finally made an agreement with myself. “All right. I’ll go to Subway but, dammit, I am going to have a 12-inch-er!” I even got the meal deal, which is way more food than I need these days, but less than I would have eaten had I followed what my body and heart and head and habits were telling me to do.

   I knew it was bad, though, because driving back to my room I felt myself still scouting for food. I drove past a Little Caesar’s and thought to stop and get a pizza to go with my 12-inch-er. I almost pulled into the McDonald’s on the way. But, I didn’t. I just ate my 12-inch Subway meal deal and that’s got to be okay for now.

   Maybe I’ll call my parents. I really need to process what happened last night.

Here’s yet another recipe that just totally hit the spot.

It was a riff off my favorite breakfast from the cafe next to my old apartment. That dish was a “California Benedict” — english muffin topped with poached eggs, slices of tomato, hollandaise sauce, and slices of avocado. Even on the menu, it doesn’t sound all that good but holy cow. Live and in person? So, so good.

But so, so bad.

Tonight it’s late and I’ve been losing my head on the research lit review that’s due on Tuesday. I needed something quick and filling and not too heavy since it’s late.

Scramble two eggs (or egg whites or a substitute, if it floats your boat) in a non-stick pan. Make sure they are lightly scrambled, over medium heat, to keep the eggs nice and yellow without turning dark or brown. Slide the eggs into a bowl, then use the same pan to sautee some tomato. You can either dice a tomato or do what I did — slice grape tomatoes in half lengthwise. Sautee the tomato in a shot or two of cooking spray. I like to get them crispy and almost a little burned. (I don’t know. It’s this phase I’m going through.) Salt and pepper the tomatoes while they cook. Meanwhile, slice an avocado and put it to one side of the eggs. Top with the cooked tomatoes, salt and pepper to taste. It was a nice, mild, warm, comfy, relatively light late dinner without the fat-filled sauce or white-flour bread.

Okay, this week’s food obsession is a tuna salad that is a more or less healthy version of “Clean Out the Fridge.” This might be more appropriately called: “Clean Out the Veggie Drawer.”

I usually make a large quantity of “base” at a time and can store it in the fridge for a week or more in a sealed container or heavy-duty ziploc bag. The base consists of:

• Lots of finely chopped cabbage, both white and red
• Shredded carrots
• Chopped broccoli (I only like the florets, so I just slice the topmost part of the bunch off and it breaks into little pieces)
• Chopped cauliflower (same goes as for broccoli)
• Cucumber chopped into 1/4- to 1/2-inch cubes, skin on

At mealtime I toss a few handfuls of this veggie base into a large bowl and then almost always add:

• A scoop of fat-free cottage cheese
• Two scoops of fat-free plain yogurt
• A teaspoon of mayonnaise

Sorry, I don’t use measurements. I just eyeball the amounts until they look like they’ll evenly coat the veggies and other goodies. These other goodies include various combinations of any/all of the following, depending on what I have on hand:

• Can of drained tuna
• Shredded chicken
• Diced sweet or dill pickle
• Chopped sun-dried tomatoes (I just snip with kitchen scissors)
• Pine nuts
• Diced avocado (yum!)
• Diced tomato
• Little bit of parmesan cheese
• Sliced grapes
• Alfalfa sprouts
• Hard-boiled egg
• Frozen peas
• You get the idea!

Stir it all up, adjusting yogurt if the mixture is too dry. I’ve also toyed around with herbs and spices. From my big bowl (out of which I used to eat sugared cereal — sometimes two or three times a day!) I can pack two whole wheat tortillas for a pair of yummy wraps. If I don’t have tortillas or feel like eating something crunchier, I pile it onto a few reduced-fat triscuits.

I’ve been simultaneously thrilled and terrified by how fast the weight is dropping off of me with very little effort. I’m happy, of course, to have such a nice kick-start to what is traditionally supposed to be a lengthy and difficult process. I’m worried, though, because I know the bubble will burst eventually and then I’ll start clapping hands and jumping up and down about losses of 0.1 pounds or less.

Anyway, maybe that’s part of what happened this week. I lost 2.6 pounds which is my second-smallest loss (the smallest being 0.2 when I had my period, but that corrected itself with a 9+ loss the next week). I’ve been averaging 4-6 pounds per week so maybe I’m finally experiencing the slowdown.

Geez. This is only week 7, and the first two weeks don’t even count since I was spitefully not even trying! Still, I’m 19.1% of the way to my goal which just seems impossible.