Chronicles of a Late Bloomer

Tomorrow marks the 6-month anniversary of my cataclysmic surgery.

I’m pleased to say that my body has largely regained its health and vigor.

I have decided not to pursue the law suit against the surgeon whose simple error caused such grief.

When I realized how difficult the recovery was, and how emotional, I decided to give myself 6 months to recover.

My goal during that time was to maintain my weight-loss achievements and just heal.

I released myself from the need to lose weight and instead just focused on getting my life back.

I’m pleased to say that in 6 months, I have managed to stay under the 289-pound mark.

I still no longer qualify for weight-loss surgery.

I am back to making art and writing in my journal and doing other things that are important for my mental health.

I am grateful to all of the people — near and far — who have expressed their care and concern for me during this time. In particular, I am grateful to Sarah J., Vickie, Janie, Laura, John, Barbara, and the others who reached out to me in care and concern (and kept reaching out, even when I couldn’t reach back). I’m truly moved.

I am not one to make grand, sweeping statements of intention, but I am pretty sure that I can say this: I am back.

Leave it to Vickie to smell trouble before I do.

I think the general attitude was that because I was still weighing in every week, I was doing fine. Sure, I’d have a “good week” and then a “bad week” and then a “good week”… but, still. Overall, I was on track. After all — Kaizen, right?

Then last week I caught myself eating more than I normally would. Look, it wasn’t anywhere NEAR a binge. Just, sort of, an acknowledgement that I was eating without asking if I was hungry or not. It was a realization that I had been eating fewer vegetables, overall. A complicating of my food choices — steps away from the simplifying that I had adopted in recent months. I was very stressed by some developments at work, some circumstances with my family, and a complication of my love life. In the end, it grew to be just a little bit too much.

But, the fact is that I have been stalled out at the same basic weight ever since I found out I would have to undergo surgery. I thought I’d be able to recover from it fairly well, but then my surgery was complicated by a surgeon’s error and I ended up hospitalized for a couple of weeks.

During those weeks, I lost about 25 pounds, but expected to gain most of it back. I did. And I have been stuck ever since.

What’s ironic about this is that I think I know what is going on. I mean, for Pete’s sake, I’m a therapist who works in a hospital. Every day, I operate under the basic assumption that major illness, surgeries, and hospitalizations are potentially traumatic. And yet, I have not been able to process the emotional impact of these medical mishaps in my own life.

When I went under anesthesia for a follow-up procedure on New Year’s Eve, I was forced to realized how much all of this has impacted me, psychologically. As I was beginning to rouse from the anesthesia, the nurses had to hold me down a little bit and insist that I calm down. I wasn’t upset, per se. But, I was trying to speak too early — around the oxygen tubes and happy gas — and the result was a lot of straining and writhing and upset. I couldn’t help it — as soon as I was even remotely conscious, I had to know. “Do I get to go home this time? Do I get to go home?”

“Well, not until you fully wake up and get dressed, lady. CALM DOWN!” they insisted.

I didn’t want to go home right that minute. I just needed reassurance that all had gone as planned and I was going to get to go home at all. The anxiety leading up to this second procedure was unbelievably intense. For the first time, I had to entertain the idea that everything might not turn out fine. I mean, in general, I try to live my life on the assumption that all is well. All is good. Worry is needless.

Increased anxiety is only part of the traumatization that has occurred. And, yes. I’ve been able to maintain my weight loss so far, but I haven’t been able to progress.

I’m not really sure how to end this posting, except to say this: “Well, at least now it’s out there.” Good night.

I haven’t been posting, but I have been weighing in for the past three weeks.

• 1/10/09: 283.2
  
• 1/17/09: 278.0
  
• 1/24/09: 283.0

Up and down. No progress, no backslide.

Oy.

Still on the search for that elusive one-word descriptor for my 2009 focus. (Graciously, so is Vickie!) It’s funny how limiting language can be. For instance, in Spanish there is a word to describe the relationship between you and your sister-in-law’s sister. One single word: concuñada. I mean, even for the sister of my brother, I have to use a three-word hyphenate to describe our relationship: sister-in-law. But, in other languages (particularly languages that are used in areas where cultural values are different) describing important concepts is sometimes just, you know, easier. South American cultures definitely place more value on the extended family, so this whole example of a concuñada makes sense. We give words to things that are important to us.

Simple mom introduced me to the concept of Kaizen, a Japanese term that hints at part of what I was describing yesterday — the value of slow, steady progress toward things. It is the cultural equivalent of baby steps — making changes so small that you scarcely notice them, until wham-o! You’re different.

NOTE: Most of us should understand this concept because, with very few exceptions, this is how we got overweight in the first place. I guess the idea here is just to channel the concept of Kaizen so that it works FOR us, not AGAINST us.

Anyway — I’m still on the hunt for that solitary word to describe the opposite of procrastination, but this is a good reminder that foreign languages are a good place to look.

Welcome, new resolutes. If you have set a goal to have more health and less weight this year, you know that you are not alone. However, by making small changes, you can achieve success. I am living proof!

I like the idea of setting an intention for the new year. I have already set my goals but I wanted to have something a bit more thematic. I wanted a short, simple word or a phrase to fall back on, when motivation and focus wane. (They will. They do.) I’ve been struggling, though, to settle on something. I love words and there are just so many to choose from! I also wanted it to be something that could apply both to my fitness efforts as well as to other areas of my life. (So, “exercise” wouldn’t work.)

I envy those who have set their intention with a single word — like “leap” or “focus” or “be.” Mine desired direction is just as simple as these concepts (if not more simple!) but I haven’t yet been able to boil it down to just one word. In essence, what I am hoping to inspire myself to do better this year is related to the mantra I posted for this week: Take that single step.

Although it is certainly the take-home message I have gleaned from my experience so far, I decided that “baby steps” was a bit too cliche and lame of a phrase to last me through the year. I am learning a lot about how little changes and tiny successes add up, and that seems to be the “baby steps” message.

No, I think what I need is more the motivation to get off my ass and take those baby steps more resolutely and more frequently. I have often been guilty of reading, procrastinating, researching, thinking, hesitating, pondering, writing, questioning, wondering, opining, planning, and in a million other ways avoiding the kinds of actions that will be required for me to achieve my 2009 goals. In general, I need to think less and do more. I need to not only do it, but do it now — in every life category across the board. The time for thinking has passed. Life is short and I’m tired of living so much in my head.

Not sure how to boil that down to just one word, but I’m not sure it matters. I just need to commit to taking those single steps. Like, now.

Celebrating: New Year’s, and a fresh (if artificially imposed) start. Also celebrating: Losing 20% of my body weight in 2009.

Grateful for: A blissfully uneventful procedure on Wednesday. Aside from trouble with the IV and a 3-hour wait on the gurney, after 6 pricks, 2 hematomas, and struggling to wake up from the general anesthesia just to sloppily demand, “But, do I get to go home this time?” all seems well. My duct injury and liver bile leak have healed better than they expected, they did NOT have to re-place a new stent on the duct, and I have been sent on my merry way for now. I’ve slept off the anesthesia and my throat and voice are nearly back to full functionality (the procedure was endoscopic — a tube through the throat to the intestines). All in all, it is the best possible outcome for the time being.

Starting weight: 354.6 pounds (well, that was my 2/2008 weight)
Last week: 287.2
This week: 281.4
Change this week: -5.8
Total change: -73.2
Next milestone: 80 pounds gone (I already crossed the 75-pound milestone when I weighed after getting home from the hospital).
Current goal: 275 by Valentine’s Day, 227 by the end of 2009

This week’s mantra: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Knowing that not eating or drinking before my procedure would result in an artificially low weight, I decided to use New Year’s Eve instead of New Year’s Day to answer for my end-of-year goal to weigh under 289.

I’m pleased to announce that my weight on Wednesday morning was 282.6 pounds. My next goal was to weigh under 275 by Valentine’s, but I have not figured out exactly how that will work when it comes to my 2009 goals. More to follow once I can sit down with a calculator and a spreadsheet.

Wanted to drop a quick note, as I am off this morning for another procedure at the hospital. (More follow-up from the surgery that went bad.) If I owe you an email, I apologize and will get to it as soon as I’m able.

I’ve always been a big believer in the power of visualization, manifesting, and daydreaming when it comes to changing your life. This belief was magically confirmed many years ago when, on a New Year’s Eve, I sat down and wrote out a long and flowery description of what I wished my life could look like by the end of the next year. With the exception of having a puppy to cuddle with (that happened about 15 months later, not 12), I was startled to read back through that entry and find that everything I had written had come true. I learned then the power of writing things down. (Lots of people believe in it.) There is a magic to it, and I have seen it happen in my own life.

This magic has been particularly evident this year as I’ve set and achieved goals regarding my weight. And so, as we look forward into a new year, I wanted to take a moment to plan for the near future.

In the next year, I will solve the puzzle of exercise. I will not only take the time to cook good meals, pack my lunch, and celebrate healthy and nutritious foods as I learned to do this year, but I will also move my body more. I will become more strong and more powerful as a result. I will push myself physically past what I believe my limits to be. I will not give up when it is difficult. Oh, sure — I learned to push my limits mentally, emotionally, and spiritually years ago, and I have reaped the benefits in many ways. But this year I will prove to myself that building physical stamina works on the same principle: doing it anyway, even when you think you can’t.

I will establish a working relationship with my body — not just as the pedestal on which my brain sits, but as a vehicle through which I experience the world. I will try new things and accept my weaknesses and start from where I am and be here now and a hundred other psychobabble cliches, if they’ll help me be able to inhabit this new body I’m creating. I’ll stop dreaming and finally do.

In concrete and measurable terms, here is what I plan to achieve by the end of 2009:

1. I will weigh under 227 pounds — taking me from the BMI Obese category into simply Overweight. This will entail losing roughly 1.1 pounds per week, which seems reasonable even if more roadblocks come up.
   
2. I will be able to do 5 standard pushups.
   
3. I will be able to run for at least 20 minutes without stopping.

2008 started out like all other years in some respects — I had naturally put on weight over the holidays, but barely noticed it. I mean, maybe my pants were a little tighter, but when you go from tight to tighter it’s not much of a shift. I wanted to make a change, I guess — but was doubtful of my ability to do so. Just like every other year.

But, some things were different. I had just gotten home from visiting my parents with a boyfriend for the first time in my life. Although the visit went great, it was becoming more and more clear that this long-term relationship was probably not going to last. I was in love, yes. My parents liked him well enough. But, by that point he had been unemployed for over a year and I was beginning to have my doubts.

In addition, I was 3 weeks in to a new job in a new part of town — a job that I had wanted to have since my grad school internship in 2004. There was a lot of potential, job-wise, for satisfaction and health improvement. I was excited, but warily so because of the hundreds of times I had been in that situation before.

And then, at least according to this blog, I went silent. I bought a new car, I moved to a new place, and I settled in to my new job which involved making a lot of first impressions. Meeting powerful people, millionaire donors, and new employees while weighing 360 pounds was pretty painful, but I nothing I wasn’t used to.

Sometime in February, I wandered up to the dialysis unit and weighed myself on their scale. I measured in kilos so that the emotional reaction wouldn’t be too horrifying. I had made some small changes (taking only one serving, using the stairs) and felt that I was already lighter than I had been at New Year’s. Converting from kilos, I weighed 354 pounds (which is why I was unable to weigh myself at home on my 350-pound scale). I had no idea how much I had weighed after the holidays, but since I already felt lighter, I tried not to think about it too much.

I didn’t pop up again on the blog until March, when I said:

Just making little changes lately. You know, trying to cut back on white rice, eat fewer cookies, order the fish now and again, that sort of thing.

And I’m down 3 kilos, according to the scale on the 5th floor.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ll be honest with you.

With the exception of recuperating from my simple-surgery-gone-wrong and providing an entirely handmade Christmas for nearly 30 loved ones (plus 40 or so coworkers for strategic and political gain and 8 of my employees), I haven’t been doing much along the lines of health and wellness for the 6 weeks since I got home from the hospital. I mean, I have continued to weigh in each week and attend Weight Watcher meetings when possible, but I have mostly done so to ensure that I don’t cross the 289-pound mark and to monitor what happens to my body when it rapidly loses 25 pounds of weight the wrong way.

As a testament to the general neglect that has occurred, I offer up a fridge full of rotting food, unswept floors, and a car that has doubled as a locker/dumpster for the past month. Certainly, now is the time to pull it together and get my life back in gear. It’s time to sort through and iron out the stacks and stacks of fabric and paper scraps that resulted from making books, aprons, yoga mat bags, purses, tote bags, and a dozen other projects for Christmas. It’s time to wash the car inside and out, to launder the sheets and towels, and to make an appointment to get waxed already, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Things started going much better, recuperation-wise, when my sister reminded me that at the end of my hospitalization, every doctor and nurse who looked at my chart exclaimed about the profound anemia that I had developed. However, they never gave a prescription or mentioned it to me on discharge and, in my drug-addled haze, I plumb forgot. When she reminded me of this, I put myself on an iron supplement and within a week I was feeling markedly better. It even seemed to go a long way toward treating the insomnia that developed when I went back to work. In general, I would say that my energy has returned to pre-illness levels — whatever I felt last Spring before my gallbladder died and lay rotting in my gullet.

Last night, I made a batch of low-fat chicken stew for lunches this week, spiced some almonds, and froze fish filets into individual servings. (I realized that working on creative projects every night sapped me of some of my cooking enthusiasm. Apparently, cooking and crafting draw on the same energy reserves — which makes perfect sense to me!)

I’m looking forward to the new year, now that the holidays are past. I’m proud of myself for keeping to my goals, and for having the foresight to realize that a major surgery plus Christmas might throw me off plan. Granted, I’ll have to really step it up in order to reach my Valentine’s goal of weighing 275 pounds, but I have faith that it is possible.

In general, I’m proud of myself for losing 70 pounds this year, and for doing it almost exclusively through food changes alone. In 2009, I hope to finally be able to solve the fitness puzzle and not just lose weight but use my new body in more active and athletic ways, whatever that may mean.